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The Chariot of Zeus

Greek God and Hottie from History, born on the island of Crete to Titan Cronus and Titaness Rhea, but was swapped for a rock after his birth by his Mother, which his papa then swallowed. From there Zeus was reared by, depending on which account you look at, various nymphs, goats, nymphs and goat, or Melissa (who fed him goat milk), until he was grown-up enough to fulfill his burgeoning Oedipus complex, saving his brothers and sisters (who had been gobbled up by their father). He then became leader of the Olympian gods after a threatened coup from his good mate Athena, ruling from his throne on the appropriately named, Mount Olympus, until 1288 when mounting political pressure forced the pantheon of gods to ask him to step down after the embarrassing incident that saw the head deity caught fornicating with his golden chariot in public and threatening to sink the island nation of Sark into the sea in response to the public outcry.

During his time as leader of the Gods, Zeus was responsible for a nearly endless list of unusual punishments; generally condemning mortals to various states of deadness: turning humans into something decidedly non-human (such as eagles, stones, tortoises, etc.), condemning people to various forms of torture for all eternity, slewing individuals with lightning bolts, and many more. His military dictatorship over Mount Olympus included a group of guards called the SE (Storm -eaters), a rather eccentric bunch who were convinced that eating his thunderbolts would make them stronger. It didn't work.

Zeus is widely considered the Roger Federer of promiscuous deities, having sired an untold number of children with gods, demi-gods, nymphs, mortals, and the occasional animal. With his wife/sister Hera, he brought renowned mythopersonalties Aros, Hebe, and Hephnestus into the world, though some accounts give sole credit to Hera alone.

Zeus is known to have a thing for Oak and Olive trees and was never without his golden eagle by his side untill its death at the hands of Zeus' Roman doppelganger Jupiter following a dispute over the last slice of pumpkin pie at thirty-third annual Godapalooza.

Since his retirement, Zeus has largely disappeared from public life, but was confirmed to be living in the small town of Eagle River, Wisconsin; where he is writing his memoirs and each winter spends a weekend judging the World Championship Snowmobile Derby.

Fuck you Chris

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