Vladimir 'The Hammer' Putin has been the Prime Minister of Russia and the unofficial holder of Tyrants Today's title of Mr. October for the last four years, but in fact he has been has secretly experimenting with ways to push political corruption to new levels since 1989.
The Life of PutinEdit
Putin was discovered in the Siberian wilderness by a family of black bears as a baby. After being adopted by the pack, the baby Putin proceeded to slay the dominant male with an overzealous half-nelson at the first opportunity, thereby taking his rightful position as alpha male. Under his inspiring leadership, Putin's pack united the surrounding bears through shear force of will (and claws), and carved out an Empire in the cold Siberian landscape, a feat made possible thanks to a mutual assistance pact made with the Siberian Tigers.
Activities in the KGBEdit
The power of this alliance caused the Soviet government to grant independence to the Republic of Grizlikistan in 1975, and gave Putin a position as 'Chief Badass' at the KGB (a post that infamously allowed Leonid Brezhnev to take power in 1964). Turning his back on the people who had built him Putin offered no resitance to the Soviet re-occupation of Grizlikistan in 1979, without his legendary charisma the bear armies were routed within days and the few tigers were forced into guerilla warfare.
Vladimir Putin's leadership of the KGB lead to the arrest and conviction of many 'dissidents' mainly due to massed use of torture including water boarding, excessive toe-nail clipping, and a special recording of what would become the script of The Love Guru, read by Bobcat Goldthwait while he was under contract to film "Police Academy Three: Back in Training."
Throughout the 1980s, the Soviet Union experienced increasing resistance from its allies in Europe, and in particular from the Bear population in the Balkans. In 1978, the Balkan Bears had taken up arms against the Soviets, under the leadership of their legendary King Misha, but were quickly and brutally repressed. In response the Soviets had the corpse of the great bear king stuffed and used it as the mascot for the 1980 Olympic Games, but in taunting their defeated foes, the Soviets sewed their own downfall.
By the late 1980s, the Soviet leadership was in a panic over what to do about the uprising, which had spread among the bear population throughout Eastern Europe. Because of his upbringing and experience fighting bears, Putin was asked to do what he could to stop the movement. But by then it was too late, and even taking the step of calling on call on outside assistance from Chris the Producer (whose methods can only be described as involving a ferret, a bonesaw, 14 feet of plumbing equipment, and a second edition of Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking) could not halt to decline of the Soviet Union.
Role in the Russian RepublicEdit
After his election to Presidency in 2000, Putin celebrated with all of the customary rites reserved for new Russian leaders (dating all the way back to Peter III: rolling tanks needlessly into a neutral country, rounding up and jailing dissenters chosen at random, and threatening to cut off (and then actually cutting off) vital resources to the West.
Today Putin remains current holder of the championship title for the World Leader Division of Mixed Martial Arts, after surprising the world at a 1997 bout against the then French President Jacques Chirac in the final match in Santiago, Chile. Early in the third round, Putin snatched victory by giving Chirac a swift kick in the bollocks, then waiting for his innate Frenchness to kick in. He has since held the title against all comers, the closest anyone has come to beating him was the 2007 bout against Angela Merkel that went through all five alloted rounds, but with Putin winning an unanimous decision on points. On numerous occasions Putin has expressed his disappointment in the competitors he has faced in recent years, and he regularly tried to convince boxer Erik Morales to stand for the Presidency of Mexico, "just for the challenge."
After the success of his first DVD "Let's Learn Judo! with Vladimir Putin" (2005), Putin followed it up with "Let's invade Georgia! with Vladimir Putin." The latter was banned for sale outside Russia due to its 'extreme sexual content' (again after the example of Peter III).
Let's learn facts about Vladimir Putin!Edit
- Vladimir Putin once attempted to invade Alaska single handed by swimming the bearing straight but was repulsed by Sarah Palin and her moose calvary.
- When he is alone Putin likes to dress as a ballerina and pretend to be Gordon Brown.
- His blood has been replaced entirely with vodka.
- Valdimir Putin goes up to 11.
- Inside Valdimir Putin is a series of increasingly smaller Vladimir Putins.
- Putin does not believe in the existence of James Cameron, and anyone who tries to get him to watch one Cameron's films is immediately killed. Yet strangely he lists the first two Terminator movies in the list of his 'Top Ten' favourite films that he gave to People magazine in June 2009.
- Vladimir Putin is sat next to you.
- Vladimir Putin lived for 6 months inside Chernobyl and now glows in the dark.
- John Oliver has challenged Putin to a duel to the death but Putin is too scared to accept, probably because John's favoured means of dueling is to joust on jet skis).
- Putin has declared war on all squirrels after one looked at him funny at the park that one time.
- Putin once had an angry off with Gordon Ramsey and won.
- If you watch series two, episode four of The Office, Putin's head can be seen 16 minutes in.
- Putin sometimes likes to get to work by trebuchet.
- Putin once fired a nuclear missile at Sweden after loosing at Scrabble. (What does he expect with that fucked up alphabet?)
- Putin does not recognize the State of Canada; as far as he's concerned, it's just a weedier America.
- Russia has been expelled from bugle recieving nations after it was revealed that Putin tried to assassinate Tom the Producer by putting polonium in a teapot.
- Vladimir Putin shot a whale with a CROSSBOW.