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VCM Flag

The Flag of The VCM: Flag of Vatican City with an 8 of Diamonds

History of the VCM Edit

It is unclear when the Vatican City Mafia was officially born, but it appears that the group grew out of an existing tradition of radical members of the Catholic Church who advocated the use of covert force and even discrete criminal enterprises to further the goals of the church. There is even evidence that these people developed a school of philosophy to justify their use of criminal means to advance their interests, which heavily influenced a young Niccolò Machiavelli, who would later write The Prince and most of the world continues to call this philosophy "Machiavellian."

At any rate the Mafia sprouted out of the sector of Rome known as Vatica in the years following the fall of the Roman Empire, and under their guidance the Vatican became a bastion for Catholicism even in the center of the Papal State’s power.

Over the following centuries the VCM evolved into a formal organization that, despite being condemned by the papacy in official circles, worked to circumvent the attempts by secular European States to limit the power of the Church in their lands through such means as assassination and, shall we call it, informal sectors of the economy. During this time the Mafia also acquired several pseudonyms, such as:

  • the Voraciously Clandestine Mailmen
  • the Roman Gunmen
  • "Legitimate Craftsmen" of the cross.
  • Mike.
  • Alberto was also used in the 16th century but is less common now

VCM Goes Rogue Edit

But the VCM left the service of the Church when in the late 1950s Pope Pius XII set them on the Soviet man-of-steel and Georgian strongman Joseph Stalin for his anti-religion and authoritarian rule. The plan was to kill Stalin as he attended the 5th Semi-Annual Soviet Bear Wrestling Championship 1958, but the special trained bear which the VCM was able to smuggle into the competition was subdued by Nicolai "Yogi Killer" Odoevsky, who made the first appearance in a long, successful career on the bear wrestling scene. Evidence suggests that the Soviets never uncovered the plot, but the Collage of Cardinals decided that it would be unwise to attempt another assassination despite the VCM's stringent protests that the next attempt would succeed.

This illustrated to the VCM that the Catholic leadership had lost its nerve and alienated the moderate-conservative portion of the Mafia, thus the radical wing was able to take control. The VCM then moved its base of operation away from the Church officials, who had set out to wipe out the group before it incriminated them on the world stage. Today the VCM continues to thrive in the underworld, according to insiders, primarily in the Catholic communities of central North America.

The VCM has continued to act in what it feels to be in the best interests of the Catholic Church, even though they have decided to adopt a low-key approach to avoid revealing its location. But they still attempt to undermine the rule of administrations and/or individuals who they deem to be too fascists, protestants/heretics, and atheists.

The VCM and the Bugle Edit

As for the Vatican City Mafia’s relationship with the Bugle, they have targeted both Andy and John for their inflammatory remarks that Catholics should be used as a fuel source. But have stopped working against John after demonstrating his penitential side during Pope Benedict XVI's visit to New York during issue 25 of the Bugle. They have continued their ceaseless campaign against Andy however, and so he remains in hiding.

VCM connectionsEdit

There are certain industries that are said to be connected to the Vatican City Mafia members in exile. The following industries connected to the VCM have been uncovered:

  • Models of 1902-1928 era Tractor Trailers
  • Producers of fire alarms
  • Commercial Sellers or Easter Island Head statues
  • Clock repairmen: especially of the Grandfather variety (Note that this is the reason Andy has no clocks in his home and uses only hourglasses and sundials).

Note on the VCM Flag Edit

The offical flag of the VCM is that of the Vatican City with an Eight of Diamonds superimposed upon it. The card represents the seedier elements of their power, the suit of diamonds symbolizes the wealth they have to draw on, and the eight was chosen at random.

Examples of VCM Assassinations Edit

  • Joseph Stalin- see VCM Goes Rogue above
  • Martin Luther- For starting that whole Reformation movement thing. The VCM planned to send a message to other heretics by nailing him to the famous church door with 95 stakes, but realized they misplaced two of the stakes (93 wouldn’t really send the same message). By the time they found them, the Peace of Westphalia had been signed, and because Luther had insisted a no-assassination-clause be included they had to call it off (it’s in there look... closer).
  • Voltaire (François-Marie Arouet)- for his anti-church writings the VCM decided to arrange for a case of booze to accidentally fall on the philosophe as he visited Marseilles (crushed by the infamous thing), but his death in 1778 made it a great deal harder to get him to stand on the X they had drawn on a Marseilles boulevard, and they eventually gave up 3 years later.
  • Antipope Manfred IV- António Julião had served with distinction as the archbishop of Lisbon until he suffered a severe head trauma when he was attacked by a zebra during his Easter homily (it appears that one of his deacons owned the zebra, but he never explained why he decided to bring the zebra to mass that Easter Sunday). The injury seems to have set off some sort of unique neurological disorder Julião had, and he quickly went batshit insane. A week after recovering, he made some startling declarations; Lisbon was the new Rome and the seat of the Catholic Church, he was thereafter to be known as Pope Manfred IV, and that "the consumption of radishes by the impure was henceforth to be considered sacrilege of the highest order." Note that no Pope has ever chosen the name Manfred, and his insistence that he was the fourth appears to be nothing more than further manifestations of his delusional state. He was found dead two days after making these declarations, officially having committed suicide by throwing himself down four flights of stairs before strangling himself to death with his own Papal sash.
  • James A Garfield: President of the United States of America (1881-1883), High Magus of the Church of Satan (1862-1883). For obvious reasons. The VCM hitman known as Charles Guiteau was neither an anarchist nor a "disgruntled office seeker" but we are meant to think he was. (If you are surprised to read that Garfield was a High Magus in the Church of Satan, you really should have paid more attention in school).
  • Oily and Schmaltz, comedic heroes of the Bugle, sadly passed away of natural causes. Frankly, being killed when you're a clown should count as natural causes ...

Fuck you Chris

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