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The Gay Agenda

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The Gay Agenda is a fear-inducing piece of Homosexual literature that was revealed to John and Andy during issue 19 of the Bugle. While apparently varying depending on the homosexuonomer involved, the following is suspected to be the general standard:

The Gay Agenda Itself Edit

  • Eggs
  • Milk
  • Adopt neighbours' children
  • Bread
  • Batteries
  • Revolution of the proletariat.
  • Apples
  • Yoghurt
  • Work with terrorists to destroy family values and governments all over the world.
  • Provide secret plans to Andy Zaltzman's Apartment to the Impalan Menace. (N.b. As of yet unverified)
  • At the risk of sounding crass may I be as so bold to suggest that the gays might also fancy a bum? You know what they're like, the bald ones in particular.
  • To turn all electronics equipment gay.
  • Ban ALL football
  • All rifles are to be painted pink to show that they could hurt somebody.
  • The betterment of impalas and the humple plight of gay impalas' struggle for the right to mate with teacups.
  • The anhilation of the homophobic chickens.
  • Mandatory wearing of hot pants.
  • Carrots

John and Andy's Role in the Gay Aims Edit

It was revealed in Episode 44.1 that John and Andy are themselves attempting to perpetuate the Gay Aims. In this episode they admitted that they "began dating in 1992." Furthermore, "they are yet to reveal their gay aims and have hidden their homographicnesarianism by Andy getting a female human to accompany him wherever he goes, including to Hugh Heffner's parties."

This information has sent shock waves through the Bugle listening community. Many up-standing Bugle listeners, not wishing to be party to these nefarious Gay Aims, have violently deleted the Bugle in protest, and at least one person has taken to refusing to listen to any music which has in it any trumpet or such similar sounding instrument.

John Oliver, in a number of non-existent occasions, has confessed that hot pants give him sexual powers.


The Advent of GaydomEdit

The first homosexual ever was, ironically the father of human civilization, The Grand Forager Yahullu 'The terrible dealer of wounds, He who grazes upon the timeless fields of glory'.


"Kneel before me citizens as I recount the saga of Yahullu... and make yourself useful while you're down there... thats the stuff:

Twas the year of the Ferrel Stoat, less than 800 new moons since the gods forged the earth in the fires of the third sun, while the worlds surface was virgin and untouched, and man walked in peace with the birds and beasts. The waters of the world were rich with the magic of creation, and those who quenched their thirst were blessed with a great mystical force. Yahullu was the greatest forager in the world, and his gatherings fed his entire tribe, who were led by his best friend Jamatek 'He whose boasts are dwarfed by his humble triumphs'. Jamatek's tribe were therefore free to spend their time negotiating a peace treaty with the dinosaur kings. Jamatek met with Yim Ulu Bilshkeka Grand Ruler of the Stegosaurs in the canyon of stifled fires in order to negotiate land borders, but while discussing foraging rights, Jamatek caught sight of his maverick son Wihalla 'The wind-wary' sneaking out of Bilshkeka's nest carrying an egg in each hand.

Jamatek's heart was pure and his love for his only child was unending, so he was unable to punish him for potentially re-starting an inter-species war. However, his wife Ballassa 'She whose footfalls mark the path of angels' came up with a plan to reform Wihalla. She told the loyal Yahullu to dress in the preserved skin of the tribes founder, the most beautiful woman who ever existed Hallamastaha 'She whose smile turned the heads of the gods, and flared the trousers of time' in order to seduce Wihalla, before revealing his identity and humbling the rambunctious Wihalla.

Unfortunately Yahullu found himself engorged with the joy of receiving the attentions of Wihalla, and felt unwilling to express his true identity. Unfortunately during the throws of their inevitable passion, the skin of Hallamastaha tore in the lower back and central-upper-thigh areas, and revealed Yahullu's left testicle Harrahatti 'He who dances in the winds of solace'. Wihalla mistook Harrahatti as a plump gooseberry, and during the following confusion Yahullu screamed in a deep bass tone far below the scale of the noted soprano Hallamastaha. Wihalla quickly ripped off Yahullu's disguise and attempted to kill him with his bare hands. Unfortunately this melee quickly descended first into a tickle fight, and eventually into another passionate love-session.

Unfortunately the mighty Spinosaur general Kirihitia Bel-Casuss saw this from atop the cliffs of sincerity. Disgusted what he saw as the degenerate beastlyness of mankind, and to distract himself from the weird things he was feeling Kirihitia roused his mighty dinosaur army and attacked Jamatek's village. Jamatek himself fought bravely to defend his people, but was quickly overpowered by the faster and stronger dinosaurs. Just as Kirihitia was preparing to munch on the tribal leaders face, Wihalla and Yahullu charged Kirihitia. Using the intense team work and combat synchronization that only a truly devoted homosexual couple can achieve, Kirihitia and most of his warriors were slain. Unfortunately as the dust settled following the hasty retreat of the remaining reptilians, Wihalla fell to his knees. He had been wounded during the scuffle, but had fought on nevertheless. Wihalla died in Yahullu's arms, and as salt tears crept down the master-forager's face, Jamatek placed his arm on his shoulder and told Yahullu that although he had survived the battle, he had lost his pride. He decided to abdicate, and pass on the position of leader to the spouse of his son, namely Yahullu.

The gods of fire and rock watched this from their observatory in the heavens and decided to reek revenge on the brutish dinosaurs, burning the flesh from their bones and trapping each one in a stone. Freed from the dinosaur threat Yahullu's tribe grew strong and his people spread across the earth.

And so goes the great saga of Yahullu 'The terrible dealer of wounds, he who grazes upon the timeless fields of glory' and Wihalla 'the wind-wary' the very first homosexuals."

Fuck you Chris

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