Sarah "Barracuda" Palin is probably best known for her starring role in Tim Burton's fly-on-the-wall political documentary "Who's Nailin' Paylin?", but has also made a name for herself in the fields of chess, chemical weaponry, and Republican politics. Oddly enough, her nickname did not come from her fierce play at point gaurd in high school or even for the fish, but for the hit song by 80's chick rock group; Heart of which she is a fan. Sarah grew up hunting moose, hence the reason why the "Bull Moose Party" is no longer in existance in American Politics (...well, that and the dispute that broke out during the party's 1916 convention where Teddy Roosevelt accused Senator Bob La Follette of fixing a pidgin race, thus spliting the party irreparably).She is wideley considered to be the best person at naming kids in the US; names for future children include: Slough, Muddy-Pathway, Slit-Wrist and Hangover.
Sarah entered the PTA when her oldest son Trak brought home an illicit copy of "Where Waldo?" Noting that Waldo was dressed like a Parisian dingleberry, Sarah vowed war againist Waldo and all of his allies in the Democratic Party. Sarah dominated the school board like no other person, seeing as though the only other living beings on the school board were an American eagle, a humpback whale, and a moose (which she shot in "self-defense" from a helicopter shortly after joining the board, turned into stew and feed to the rest of the council). Realizing her lust for power was growing, but that no one would elect an androgynous man, Sarah had a sex change operation in 1995, the results of which we see today. The gamble worked, and she was elected mayor in 1998 by a vote of 1 to 0.
In 2002, she was Elected Governor of Alaska by default because her boat reached Juneau first and she claimed the capitol for herself. Apparently, everyone else was busy with the annual Seward Salmon Derby. Unable to quench her ravanous lust for power, she phoned John McCain in the middle of the night. A confused McCain gave her his credit card number after she claimed he won a special Senior-POW-Senators-Only prize. Thus she blackmailed her way onto the 2008 ticket... which has worked out great for her.
The Great Moose Genocide Edit
Palin has long been an avid hunter, and makes a point of starting every week by killing a moose from a helicopter with automatic weaponry. She cites the old Alaskan folk saying that "if ya' don't start off on the right foot, a badger'll prob'ly bite it off, and all we real Americans know that without two workin' feet, the mooses will overrun the whitehouse."
Palin's advocacy of the pastime has led to the utter devastation of the moose population in Alaska, (and it should be said that a large proportion of these animals were killed by Mrs. Palin herself). To solve this, the Governor issues an executive order (subsequently passed by the Alaskan legislature) that any moose within sight of the Alaskan boarder is "fair game." This led to a straining of relations with neighboring Canada, but the Canadians ambassador was too __ to press the point and the killing continued.
In late 2008, the Barack Obama issued his own executive order, which authorized a joint investigation by the Fish and Wildlife Service (in the Department of the Interior) and the Bureau of Internal Affairs to stop the killing of the moose population by any means necessary. Subsequently the killing of a moose became a federal offence punishable by an excess of $850,000 plus five years in jail, and the almost nonexistent moose population was allowed to slowly return.
Palin deplored the interference of "Big Government" in her life, and decided it needed to end for good. She soon left the post of Governor of Alaska to great public scandal, in order to fully participate in national politics. A former aid (who has asked to remain anonymous) has said that as she was leaving her office for the last time, she was heard to have said that "if I can't shoot mooses, here I'll sure as Santa find some mooses to kill somewhere else."
Her Book Edit
Sarah's Struggles will be out in November, a thirty page choose your own adventure that ends with hard hitting Palin pushing a little red button releasing the entire United States nuclear arsenal upon an unsuspecting world. She plans to write a sequel with her
third fifteenth son, Hubcap.
And now, apparently, she has a job at Fox News, where her duties will presumably be required to, at some point, talk rationally. Good look with that, missy.
Facts About Sarah PalinEdit
- She is qualified to lead the United States.
- She is "folksy."
- She owns an iPhone
- She has a vagina.
- What, you want to know MORE? Get out of here you communist.
Rumors That Are TrueEdit
- Her supporters have indicated that Palin was born with the tremendously infrequent condition known as geo-vocationary osmosis, which has endowed her with a level of foreign policy expertise simply by living in a geographical location nearly next to a foreign country (if you can really call Russia a country).
- She and Tina Fey have nearly identical DNA thanks to the cloning process. But which one is the genetically engineered clone (and which the natural human) has been lost to time.
- She is public enemy number 3 of the Impala nation after Communism and Kit Kats (they choke on the wrappers)
- She is a distance relative of Micheal Palin of Monty Python fame.
- She can turn a man into stone with a glance, that if she is not wearing her anti-stone glasses or contacts.
- She and Barack Obama sparred in a previous life when she as the Japanese damyo Takada Shingen and Barack Obama as Uesugi Kenshin, in 1561 at the Battle of Kawanakajima.
- She has a shoe size of 19 on her left foot and 7 on her right. this is thought to be due to the 4.5lbs malignant tumour on her toe. Moral of the story to democrats: do NOT let Sarah kick your a**es
- Grandmaster Palin has worked for thirty-five years as a trained zombie assassin. She's in the Yellow Pages.
- She can only talk if you pull the string located on her lower back.
- She owns ALL the weaponry that the British left behind at Dunkirk. Don't ask how she got it, because it's a LONG story.
- She uses all of the aforementioned weaponry once a weekly.
- She thinks that the American War of Independence is still going on and trains every day in case those sneaky British try anything nasty.
- She once owned three quarters of the world, but gambled it all away at a pleasure palace with Vladamir Putin.
- She can turn her face inside out.
- She receives coded messages from the Republicans detailing her talking points from minute to minute so she does not get distracted. The problem is that she is distracted from remembering the code needed to unlock these messages and therefore speaks like an internet translating machine.
- She can dislocate her jaw to swallow things twice the size of her head.
- In 2003 her hideously bloated abdomen was slit open with a saber and out spilled 43 devil eyed babies, who she named: Fishbitz, Meathook, Clint, Klint, Klihnt, Clihnt, Cllint, Klint, Track, Combinational, Rob-da-bank, Funky-C-Funky-Du, Jumbo-jake, Hockey-mom's-cocky-son, Gotta-soccer-lova-fo-ma-mother, Tic-Tac, Bullet, Ovaltine 'Jazz-Hands' McMurphbiscuit, Homeskillet, U-turn, Touch-line, Pineapple, Representz, Spangles, Winkles, Axminster, Space-pope, Julies, Freaky-Ginger-One, Old Scratch Johnson, Hope, Depression, Desert-orchid, Deep-sea-diva, Flank, Fwap, Spangles II, The-ugly-one, Bupkiss, Saltalamacchia, Deviled-egg, Jimmy-big-nutz, and Captain Munsfield.
- She and Nick Griffin of the British National Party are expecting their first hate-filled child together. Mazel tov, kids.
- She is unable of both thinking and talking at the same time.
My name is John McCain and I authorised these facts.
Fuck you Chris