|“||Also, the t-shirt prizes for best contribution to the website will be adjudicated next week when we’ve wasted less of the podcast talking shit.||”|
The condition known as “overrunnitis” or colloquially, “shut up,” “get to the point,” and “don’t make me pull this car over,” is a communication disorder that causes the speaker to talk so excessively that they do not finish their agenda in a punctual manner. Consequently, promised announcements or results are delayed an inordinate period of time. Such speakers do not lack insight, and are fully aware that they have overrun and caused their constituents, listeners, families, and/or taxpayer base further unnecessary postponements.
Overrunnitis has been a recognized speech dysfunction since 60 B.C.E., the year Cato the Younger filibustered Julius Caesar’s legislation by reading the favorite cookbook recipes of the Roman Empire for over 15 hours. Environmental factors causing overrunnitis consist of contracts, the patience of one’s staff, and the spin of the Earth and associated length of day. Genetic factors include a predisposition for singing in the shower and inheriting a podcast.
The direct cause of 94% of all cases of overrunnitis is inflammation of the left temporal lobe. This lobe is responsible for verbal memory. Due to its location near the ear, it has the highest concentration of bullshit receptors in the cerebrum. Overrunners usually have low level inflammation from a young age and subclinical signs. Screening programs for the condition have thus far proven impractical and unreliable. Overrunnitis is typically diagnosed after an acute episode. Triggers include:
- Acute bullshitting
- Obtaining national platforms to discuss <insert topic here>
- Living in the two co-greatest cities in the world
- Working in joke mines
- Working 4 days a week
- Throwing shapes at weddings
Stages of Overrunnitis Edit
The early, primary stage of overrunnitis takes the form of extended, pointless anecdotes, long wedding toasts, and voluntary chatting with telemarketers on the phone. In the secondary stage, the condition affects the overrunner’s functionality, work, and personal relationships. Patients may feel compelled to begin their own podcasts that never end on time, host drawn out award shows, and compulsively dial wrong numbers to strike up conversations with strangers. In the lethal tertiary stage, the patient removes themselves from all situations that would impede their ability to talk incessantly. This includes becoming a 24/7 Hamm radio operator or museum docent, living in Speakers’ Corners, and flocking to a dozen or more open mic gigs a night across multiple time zones.
In each of these three stages, the overrunners impulsively share their opinions, thought out or not, with any straggling person nearby enough to generously be called an audience. While some are able to support themselves with the revenue they make from such behaviors, most do not fare well.
In the final quaternary stage, the overrunner speaks constantly and does not require an audience. It has been speculated that patients at this stage forget the concept of what an audience is and just like to hear themselves talk.
Differential Diagnosis EditOverrunnitis belongs to a family of garrulous disorders, affecting men and women of all ages. As a spectrum disorder, it comprises two overlapping conditions. Overrunitis can refer to a speaker having valid points of discussion, but not having enough time in which to delineate them, as well as a speaker having pointless things to say, but not having enough time in which to delineate them. Both subcategories aptly apply to The Bugle. Since the 18th century, overrunnitis has alternately been labeled “the Belgian disease,” “the American disease,” and “the English disease.” With The Bugle having trended towards excessive, unbridled verbosity, many have nominated “the Zaltziver disease” to be the official vernacular term for overrunnitis.
Related conditions particular to The Bugle include:
- megalobinophonia: Excessive griping about one’s bin
- Florophonia: Extolling one’s passion for Florence Nightingale
- hyperphoniamoronia: Speaking in a loud, idiotic manner
- kleptophonia: Stealing or mimicking others’ voices in order to speak more
- pseudophonia: Lying
- macrotestifonia: Unwarranted amount of testifying
- polytestcricketophonia: Not-humanly-possible recitation of cricket stats
- diploforecastophonia: Unnecessary betting and prediction on trivial matters
- uberapenisification: Rapid permanent enlargement of the penis
Underrunnitis, the opposite of overrunnitis, has received much less attention in the medical community and the press. Signs include excessive use of the phrase “to cut a long story short," consistently being the first person out of an oral examination, and finishing podcasts with valuable time to spare for twiddling one’s thumbs. Though a higher percentage of the population suffers from underrunnitis, most are not referred for treatment.
Overrunnitis wreaks havoc on The Bugle Edit
The tragic consequences of overrunnitis have become all too apparent on The Bugle. Despite Tom’s best efforts, there have been massive delays on The Bugle Superhighway.
- The first noticeable episode occurred in November 2008 when the announcement of the winners of the Who or What is Jigme Wangchuck competition was delayed for a few scant weeks.
- The next, more scandalous, incident involved the creation of the Pirelli style “2009 Hotties Calendar.” Promised to herald the New Year, Zaltzman made impassioned, repeated assurances that the calendar would be available the following week, then stopped apologizing altogether. It was ultimately delivered in February 2009, after 50 days of the incipient year had already passed and Hot Tea Month and Groundhog Day had been celebrated.
- The same month, a competition for best Bugle contribution was launched which the two could not be bothered to give a proper name to. Thereafter it has been referred to as “The Bugle T-shirt contest.”
- Number of weeks waiting to hear the winners: 7
- Tom the Producer has repeatedly pestered Zaltzman to update the Bugle Blog “whenever you decide to actually do some work.” Sources report that a future captain of the English national cricket team may be behind these delays.
- Due to Oliver and Zaltzman’s promiscuous prolixity, entire email segments have been pre-empted on multiple occasions.
- Andy Zaltzman was planning to run for president of the United States in 2008 (Despite being completely not allowed by explicit law) but was too busy talking shit with John Oliver. Asked about his failed attempt Andy said, "Ah, no worries, I'll try it next year."
Fuck you Chris