Nouman Safir (b. 283 BC) is a Crazy Golf Fetishist, Wart designer, and three-time winner of the wooden spoon in the "Not Being A Dick" Awards
Nouman Safir hatched on the 3rd of Olivary, 293 BC and during his early life was raised by a cinnamon bun. During the Famine of 277 BC Safir ate the bun, as well as his siblings; Tottenham Cake, Banoffee Pie, and Geoffrey Lewis. Safir led an Underground lifestyle for most of the First and Second milleniums AD, which consisted of him running around darkened rooms pretending to be a train, complete with service announcements, drivers strikes, and membership of the RMT Union.
Not Being A DickEdit
The Annual Not Being A Dick Awards, or the NOBDAs, are held twice a year at locations around the globe. Safir's first Wooden Spoon (for failing most at Not Being A Dick) came after a stint at Royal Mail, where he consciously and continuously pushed for price rises for first class stamps. His second came after it was revealed that he was responsible for convincing the United States Supreme Court that George W. Bush had more votes in Florida than Al Gore. Voter ballots were later found stuffed down his trousers, which he claimed were there to satisfy the urges of his legs to be close to Democracy in Action.
Safir's most famous NOBDA came when he decided to phish on the Bugle Facebook group, drawing scorn and derision from the handful of members who saw it before he deleted it because, basically, he's a bit of a prick. May all who search for his name come to this page and rightfully think him a pillock.