Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was the sixth, and is allegedly still the current, President of Iran.
Ahmadinejad was elected President in the Iranian 2005 presidential election, and lost the 2009 election in every conceivable way.
However the published result follows Ahmadinejad's standard political practice of completely ignoring any nasty infringement of reality into his dream of having an "almost proper country to play with" and leaves him clinging to power like a barnacle to a brig. Supporters of Ahmadinejad state that prior to his becoming president he was Deputy Bursar of Eton College, Mayor of Tehran and Deputy Returning Officer of the Florida State Electoral commission.
Good Evening Wembley!
Detractors of Ahmedinejad, when they can be located for comment and are prepared to risk imprisonment, insist that prior to his surprise candidacy and election to the post of President, he was employed by the Iranian Government printing agency as a cleaner in the type-setting and proofing department.
The legitimacy of his current self-proclaimed presidency has been widely questioned, with the loudest questions being received from the western media, particularly such weekly political commentaries as the Bugle and SNL. Several despots have questioned not only the legitimacy of the 2009 presidential election result, but the sloppy and careless execution of the mass fraud.
Ahmadinejad presides over Iran's completely legitimate, open, honest and electricity providing nuclear program, which is all completely above board and in no way a sinister harbinger of doom.
Background[]
Ahmadinejad was born Martin Anderson on 11th June 1958 near Garmsar in the village of Aradan. He is the son of a Swedish opera singer and an Eqyptian ballet dancer. In 1969, after losing a wager on the outcome of the Apollo 11 spaceshot, the family name was changed to Ahmadinejad.
In 1976, Martin Ahmadinejad took Iran's national university entrance contests. He claims that he ranked 32nd out of 400,000 participants that year. This claim proved to be somewhat of a standard setter for Ahmadinejad, and he soon after claimed to have completed post graduate studies in civil engineering. In subsequent years he has claimed a Masters in Science, a PhD in transportation engineering and planning, a Booker Prize, an Academy Award for Best Special Effects and a Nobel Prize for chemistry.
Details of Ahmadinejad's life during the 1980s were to be made public in a ghost-written autobiography, published in 2006. However Ahmadinejad is reported to have had a falling out with the author during the editing process, resulting in a book that while described as an “entertaining read” by critics, tells the story of an Paraguayan Shepherd fighting an oppressive regime to secure the return of his prize ewe. It is not known whether the story is intended as fiction, an allegory, or whether Ahmadinejad did in fact secure the return of a ewe after a tank chase, low level bombing raid and a “stunning cross country romp that defies belief”.
Ahmadinejad's supporter considers him a "simple man" who leads a "modest" life. Upon becoming president, he wanted to continue living in the basement of a friends home, as he had done while working in the Government printing shop. This is thought to be because of a belief that his “April Fools” joke of replacing all names on the ballot papers with variations of his own would be discovered.
Early political career[]
Ahmadinejad began his political career after being elected as President in 2005. A history has restrospectively been created listing a number of administrative posts, none of which can be confirmed. In the pre-Khomeini days, Iranian politics was a kaleidoscope of factions and parties, and given such chaos there can be no definitive reckoning of "Ahmie's" first political forays. However, he is listed as a member of the following political groups.
The Shah Is A Really Nice Person Party (Dec 1970-April 71)
Iranians For Shah-Liking (March 1971-June 1973)
All-Persia Legalise Ginseng Party (July 1973-January 1974)
John Coltrane's Blues Explosion (misprint on ballot, Oct 1974)
The Party To Be In To Avoid Getting Punched In The Groin By SAVAK (Oct 74-Waitangi Day, 1976)
and, of course, New Labour (1990s-present)
Presidency[]
Ahmadinejad unexpectedly became the sixth president of Iran on 6 August 2005, after winning an alleged 62 percent of the vote in the run-off poll, nearly twice that of his opponent. His opponent was his alias that received the second highest number of votes, as all votes cast in the original ballot were divided amongst Ahmadinejad's six aliases. This had given him a theoretical 97% majority (3% spoilt papers).
First Term[]
In the first three years of Ahmadinejad's presidency, his far-reaching policies resulted in huge advances for the Iranian economy and people, even when they visibly did not.
Despite a highly educated and young labor force and a growing middle class, inflation and unemployment have both increased and the government has continued a cycle of unsustainable spending and poor economic management. In effect, the Ahmadinejad Government appears to be running the country according to the Bernard Lawrence "Bernie" Madoff school of economics, continuing to increase spending and offering subsidies for food and gasoline. The last remaining "safe" investment being property as had the effect of increasing the cost of housing, hurting poorer, non-property owning Iranians, the putative beneficiaries of Ahmadinejad's populist policies. The Management and Planning Organisation, a state body charged with mapping out long-term economic and budget strategy, was broken up and its experienced managers were fired.
Among those that did not vote for him in the first election, only 3.5 percent said they would consider voting for him in the next election. A member of the Iranian parliament that campaigned for Ahmadinejad, who did not wish to be identified, said that his government "has been strong on populist slogans, but absolutely bat-shit useless on achievement." As he believes that it is the execution of his policies that has been failing, rather than their intentions, President Ahmadinejad has changed almost all of his economic ministers, including oil, industry and economy, at least seven times since coming to power in 2005.
Ahmadinejad vs Parliament shit-fight[]
Round 1[]
In May 2008 the Petroleum minister of Iran admitted that the government illegally invested 2 billion dollars to import petrol in 2007, and stated that he simply followed the president's order. Ahmadinejad has stated, unequivocally, that such an investment was never ordered, was not made, was not in fact reported by the petroleum minister at all, and there is no petroleum minister. "At least not any more".
Round 2[]
On February 2009 Iran's National Audit Office reported that $1.058 billion of surplus oil revenue in the (2006-2007) budget has not been returned by the government to the national treasury. Iran's parliamentary speaker called for further investigations in order to make sure the missing funds are returned to the treasury as soon as possible, while Ahmadinejad criticized the National Audit Office for "carelessness", and asked if they had checked in every filing cabinet, every desk drawer or down the back of the sofa.
Round 3[]
In February 2009 the (since disbanded) Iranian parliamentary research centre reported that Iran faces a budget deficit of 44 billion dollars in the financial year starting in March 09. Ahmadinejad rejected the report and stated that there is no deficit as the budget will be balanced as soon as his Nigerian investments reach maturity.
Second Term[]
Campaigning[]
Ahmadinejad avoided the hassle of campaigning for re-election by invoking a "David Irving" variation of "I'm sorry I've been mistranslated" gambit, a complicated tactic with a difficulty rating of 4.3/5. During the furore following his carefully planned statements, all discussion of re-election fell by the wayside.
Election[]
Within Iran the presidential election garnered an unprecedented level of public interest, as the 65% of electors planning to vote against Ahmadinejad tuned in to live television debates between the candidates. Voter turnout was high, the 75% of the population seriously disadvantaged by the erratic, inflationary and injudicious policies of the Ahmadinejad Government turning out in force to ensure that the will of the people was heard.
Reports from Iran's election headquarters, some 11 minutes after polling closed, indicate that from a total number of 39,165,191 ballots cast in Iran's 10th presidential election on Friday 12 June 2009, Ahmadinejad won 24,527,516 or 62.63% of the votes, his main rival could secure only 13,216,411 (33.75%) of the votes. Widespread celebration soon turned to confusion, the result being completely contrary to expectations of all but the cynical or pre-informed.
As of July 2009, the election results are in dispute with both Ahmadinejad and his opponent believing that they won.
United Nations[]
Between his July 2009 "re-election" and next major booking at the United Nations in late September, Ahmadinejad spent considerable time working with a new writing team preparing his act. Unfortunately for the future of the planet, the "bat-shit crazy" spotlight was stolen by one of the old-guard performers, the Triploi Terror, the Libyan Lemur, Muammar al-Gaddafi himself.
Attempting to wrest the spotlight from al-Gaddafi, Ahmadinejad first tried a repeat of his legendary sold-out anti Israel tirade. this resulted in a walk-out of the majority of his audience, many of whom later chided Ahmadinejad in the press for a lack of new material, poor dress sense, and pitiable comedic timing.
To prove that his timing was "as good as the great Tommy Cooper", Ahmadinejad then ordered that missiles be test-fired on September 27th, 2009 to show Iran was prepared to head off any military threat, four days before the Islamic Republic was due to hold rare talks with world powers concenred about its nuclear ambitions.
Trivia[]
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, through the lineage of his Swedish father, is 19th in line to the Swedish Throne.
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is attempting to nationalise Michael Jackson's back-catalog.
- Failure to make Parade Magazines top 20 Dictators list is partially responsible for Ahmadinejads accelerating programme of economic destabilisation.
- Robert Mugabe has criticised the manner of Ahmadinejad's re-election, stating that if required to rig an election a 2-1 majority over the popular candidate is "a few steps too far".
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is considering legal action against the United Nations, feeling that al-Gaddafi's 90 minute ramble infringes upon his confirmed and booked slot as the sole "rag-headed nutter" act.
- For all his posturing and bravado, Iran's long range weapons arsenal current consists of a remote control glider loaded with three hundred grams of non-fissile material, three percussion caps liberated from the starting pistol used for the 100 metre final at the Seoul Olympics and 47 kilograms of donkey shit.
Fuck you Chris