London is a large built-up area located on the island thought to be the birthplace of modern Civilization: Britain. London is universally acknowledged (by people who count, at least) as the capital of Earth.
History[]
In 16th Century London there was no news of note.
In 17th Century London there was (allegedly) a fire.
In 18th Century London there was no news of note*
In 19th Century London there was no news of note.
The City of London had a relatively quiet 20th century, no space ships were launched from the city, Julius Caesar failed to make a public appearance (for the twentieth strait century) and there was not a single volcanic eruption. In fact the only newsworthy event in 1900's London occurred in May 1998 when the popular sitcom "Friends" shot two whole episodes in the British capital, since the airing of the episodes tourism in London has grown by over 300%.
In 21st Century London Queens Park Rangers were defeated 4-2 by Burnley at Loftus Road thanks to an Andy Cole hat-trick and a headed Ade Akinbiyi goal. Other than this there has been no news of note (thus far).
Famous Landmarks[]
Big Ben[]
This three faced clock tower is the tallest structure of its kind in the world, and is often considered to be the most recognizable landmark in London. Interestingly there is no documented mention of it, either in literary works or official documents, before 1924. Even then, it appears as though the sudden appearance into the collective consciousness of a gigantic clock tower was largely unremarkable.
English clockwork historian and London anthropologist Jacob Winston postulates that Big Ben was either absent from the cityscape until 1924 or the story propagated by London’s chamber of commerce and tourism board (that the tower has stood since 1854) is false. As an alternative history Winston produces a copy of a work order in 1895 from a remote Spanish village for stone slabs for a clock tower in England. He claims that this is the only surviving document of its sort; proving that Big Ben was created around the turn of the century. And that certain London officials had systematically removed all references to the place before the early twenties, in order to eliminate any evidence which contradicts their story of the tower's creation, presumably to make their city appear more prestigious.
Jacob Winston contends that one night a few months after first publishing his theory in 1992, he was visited by a pair of imposing men, advising him to drop his allegations. He soon fled to the Mediterranean island of Cyprus, fearing for his life, and has remained there ever since. The London tourism board has stringently deigned any intimidation of Winston, but denounce his claim. Winston's theory is not presented by Big Ben’s tour guides as a viable history, and asking about it is ground for forceful ejection from the massive phallic timepiece.
Piccadilly Circus[]
In 1796 a French nobleman named Eduard Picard II of Toulouse settled in London after fleeing his home in France due to the whole French Revolution kerfuffle (and stuff). He used his remaining family riches to buy several city blocks from a Greek scholar (whose name appears to be lost to time), who named the area for his favorite work: the Illyad. By 1802, Picard was becoming increasingly wary of the French preparations to cross the channel and invade his new home.
A deeply spiritual man, Picard to act upon a dream he had one night, insisting that God had revealed a solution to stopping Napoleon Bonaparte. In the dream, he saw Bonaparte and the French fleet sinking into the English Channel due to a colossal lightning storm, with the Emperor cursing "la circus d'anglais". Picard decided, therefore, to set up a circus on his land (by this point known by the locals as Picard-Illyad). But not knowing what circus he was supposed to build, decided on a circular road (from the Latin word for a circle) surrounding a collection of exotic animals doing tricks.
Far from saving the English army, the only result of the circus seems to be the death of Julian Clarke, a rising star in the cavalry corps, by a wanton elephant crushing him and an aid after a full four hours of the open circus. Naturally Picard-Illyad Circus was shut down and Picard was shipped to the Tower of London, though the circular road soon after became a major place of commerce in London. The name may have been simplified to the familiar Piccadilly Circus, but the spirit of anti-Napoleon exuberance remains to this day.
Judging by the outcome of this endeavor; Picard was wrong either in his assertion in the importance of the dream or in the interpretation of it, and at any rate Trafalgar Square seems to have been the better bet to stop la grande armée through public works.
Buckingham Palace[]
The Royal Family’s traditional residence, Buckingham Palace is a relatively well known landmark, which has relatively few anecdotal points to mention as the palace is as it is portrayed by every source.
The exception is perhaps the Royal man-eating Lobsters, who are trained to attack any intruders to the inner sanctum of the monarchal chambers. Little is known of the lobsters or even that lobsters can be trained in such a complex manner as the royal family suppresses the knowledge for security purposes, and although William Shakespeare was miraculously able to sneak a hint into a line in Henry VIII, his initial draft of Richard III was heavily redacted, (originally the play ended with it’s namesake being slaughtered by a crazed lobster upon his entrance to the royal palace).
Facts[]
- It is home to more hotties from history than any other city.
- It is a little-known fact that London is not in fact a city at all, but an enormous and unusually elaborate lid covering the cave of the demon R'legeath who sleeps below the earth, which has inexplicably become a home for human life.
- London is home to the tallest man-made structure on Earth: the Glorious Monument to the Ever-Lasting Reign of the Gaudy Peacock Emperor XII. It is invisible.
- London is notable for its newspapers, particularly the pithy news journal THE SUN. Another paper, known as THE TIMES, was created as a wacky comedy spinoff based on the popularity of The Bugle.
- There was once a feral hippo in London, but it's moved to a nice apartment on the Costa del Sol.
- In the year 2012, London is expected to see a return of the London Olympics Phenomenon, an unpredictable economic occurrence in which the city government bankrupts itself for no discernible reason.
- One in five people in London have never eaten rancid chicken.
Footnotes[]
* Any further information that may or may not fit in this category (the invention of the Pogo Stick, invasions and subsequent occupations by Killer Whales and/or Pine Martens, or the creation and destruction of the largest hedge labyrinth in history; they all may or maynot have happened in this century) has removed on legal grounds. Due to the pending case, we are not allowed to divulge why or by whom, by suffice to say that some secret world governments simply don't have any sense of humour at all... none at all.
Fuck you Chris