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John Oliver

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Hello Buglers, and hello Andy! Definitely in order of importance.

— John Oliver


John Cornelius "Funky Stuff" Oliver is half of the superhuman duo (which also includes Andy "Pass Me The Zalt" Zaltzman) that is responsible for The Bugle, (default source of news worldwide). Oliver moved to New York city in the United States in 2006, and is therefore well placed to bring the news from the western side of the Atlantic to the Bugle. Should he return to the UK he would be arrested and sentenced to death for being "a traitorous bastard" (in the words of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II).


Education and TrainingEdit

(Please note that for the sake of this article, at least, Oliver’s career started October of 2007 with the release of the first issue of the Bugle, and consequently all activities previous to this date are considered under the category of Education and Training)

  • Attended Cambridge University in the subject of the English as a Second Language. (Luckily for Oliver he is British, and therefore everything he says is by definition correct English).
  • Vice-President of the Cambridge Footlights 1997-1998.
  • A variety of television and radio programs on various BBC outlets; notably the Department with his fellow Bugle birther Andy Zaltzman.(According to Oliver a CD containing all Episodes of 'The Department' will be released "the same day that you can first don ice skates and pirouette across the fiery rivers of hell". A joint undertaking of Buglers worldwide to drill a hole to hell and cool it with fluid oxygen has since proved unsuccessful.)
  • Appeared in the very first episode of 'Green Wing', as a sarcastic car salesman.
  • Prominent member of the National Youth Theatre.
  • Appeared in several episodes of 'Mock the Week' on BBC2, until he was banned for having a beard.
  • Has swam with a turtle, the name of which was not disclosed (though some conspiracy theorists believe that the turtle in question was the offspring of shamu and Florence Nightingale).
  • He has been trained to kill inflaitable balloon elephants with ninja stars by monks in Tibet. However, due to state laws he can only kill ones about to attack and has recently been banned from kids parties due to mass inflaitable genocide.
  • Stood completely still under an oak tree for thirty years.
  • Apprenticed under Sir Samuel of Blackwood as a knight. (He dropped out after two weeks)

CareerEdit

  • Another Andy Zaltzman collaboration for BBC radio 4, Political Animal.
  • Writer and Correspondent for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart (2006-present).
  • The Love Guru: 2008, playing character of Dick Pants (a role for which he apparently has been damned to the second ring of Hell for a millennium)
  • John Oliver: Terrifying Times, Comedy Special for Comedy Central 2008, with guest appearance Andy Zaltzman.
  • Community: 2009-present, as Professor Ian Duncan
  • The Smurfs: 2011 as Vanity Smurf.
  • John’s first published work of non fiction is “Won’t Get Fooled Again, An Economic Migrant’s Quest for Acceptance”. Described by the Times book review as “327 pages of self loathing inexplicably interspersed with sloppy poetic verse about a woman named Zooey” (Published by Oxford University Press, forward by Tom Wright)
  • Chairman of the Secretly Jewish Society 1994-1996.
  • John Oliver was the British National Party's candidate for MP from Hereford during the 2010 UK general election. Although he lost the election, standing for the British National Party was sufficient to at last earn John his long-sought R-levels -- where "R" stands for "Racist."[1]
  • John Oliver is one of the many illegitimate sons of screen legend Gene Wilder as evidenced by the same dulcet singing voice manifested in both. Neither father nor son was known for singing, and yet their hidden relationship was exposed by audio comparisons of renditions of Willy Wonka show tunes. Hollywood insiders have reported through various media that John Oliver plans a one-man off broadway show combining urban dance and various cartoon and children's anthems.
  • John Oliver specialises in making footless pigs ejaculate.

Controversial StancesEdit

John Oliver has his own cult dedicated to the worship of Pippa Middleton's ass known as the Oliver family. He is now wanted on 7 counts of first degree murder, two charges of destruction to public property, and as an accessory to a further count of grand theft velocipede.

His harsh words have won him the vile hatred from Canada, Mexico, America, and the rest of the world. Save, perhaps, several islands in the South Pacific where he is considered the reincarnation of Roman Polanski (they are unaware that he is still alive) and they only mildly hate him for this.

John stated in his controversial research article published in the British Journal of Criminology entitled "Crime, Really Mother Fuckers?" That crime is a figment of peoples collective conscious and anyone who gets mugged is just trying to justify self harm. He also stated that we have never needed prisons, the only people who go to jail are just really into sadomasochism. He concluded by saying Jeremy Bentham can suck my pie like balls.

In the days leading up to September 11, 2011, John Oliver shocked the world by adamantly maintaining that Sophie (as in "Sophie's Choice" -- yes, THAT Sophie) had it EASY compared to American primetime television viewers forced to choose between two competing broadcasts.[2]


Probable Lies and/or Implausibly True FactsEdit

  • John Oliver doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
  • John only masturbates to videos of Kenny Dalglish.
  • John Oliver simply doesn't believe in gravity describing it as "utter bullshit". His favorite past time is floating around the NASA space centre daunting the astronauts training extensively for zero gravity conditions and calling them complete losers while dodging various subjects thrown at him.
  • John Oliver took on Death Cab for Cutie singer Ben Gibbard in an extremely intense and violent rap battle in 2007 with the aim of winning the heart of indie goddess Zooey 'Hot Stuff' Deschanel. Sadly, head judge and rap historian Stephen Fry ruled that "whiny pretentious hipster douchebag" did not rhyme with "suck it mothafucka", and consequently Oliver recieved a 10 point penalty in round 24. He eventually lost with a final score of 273-269 to Gibbard after 48 hours and 187 rounds. Deschanel's band She & Him later released a folk cover of The Bugle's theme tune as a tribute to Oliver's brave but meritless efforts, with Andy Zaltzman on guest didgeridoo and ukelele.
  • John was the child that Sylvester Stallone arm-wrestled for custody of in the end of the documentary Over the Top
  • World Leaders dream every night of being more like John Oliver. Usually they just end up being mocked by him.
  • John Oliver has a fiancee who is both staggeringly beautiful and very intelligent.(Out of all the bullshit spewed forth this is the most unbelievable and yet somehow it's true, no offense iintended i am just shocked)
  • John's glasses are not to correct his sight but to merely cover the holes in his face where his eyes once rested until they were gauged out in 1985 in a disco in Birmingham during a particularly brutal dance off to Aha's "Take On Me." John lost the dance off, quite badly, however this has been attributed to the loss of his eyes.
  • John Oliver has recently replaced Kenny Dalglish as manager of Liverpool FC, the club has went on to win four straight league titles.
  • John's sexual orientation has been the BIGGEST point of controversy among fans. The question has torn apart families and caused civil wars.
  • John Oliver is the real Slim Shady. He is thin, and he wears sunglasses. Sometimes.
  • Rebecca Black claimed that John was the muse for her smash-hit, 'Friday'. Thanks a lot, John. Prick.
  • John Oliver was once sighted leaving the Bresnan Arena at the Minnesota State University Mankato where he was temporarily crowned homecoming king. Shortly before leaving the stage he was heard commenting, "If any of us shall ever cross paths again, it would be like Vietnam Vets meeting, 'Were you there? I was there!'"
  • John's favorite drink is Shirley Temple. Not the cherry syrup infused lemon-lime drink, the actual Shirley Temple.
  • John is a noted object of sex appeal in the under-five-foot tall community.
  • John created... the ellipsis... but will frequently misuse the puctuation mark to confuse his enemies.
  • The Bin-Impala Confederacy has named John as one of the people they need to capture to use as secretaries because their spelling is terrible due to an overload of wheels/hooves.
  • John was once a member of the French Foreign Legion where he toured Sierra Leone. During his time there, he pimp-slapped a lion about to kill Ignatius Impala, thereby earning the impala's eternal respect. This later caused the Impala Armed Forces to offer John neutrality in their war against Andy Zaltzman.
  • John is last rumoured to have been seen in Sri Lanka helping save the endangered Tamil Tigers.
  • John is taller than the nearest other John standing next to him right now, but shorter than the farthest John away from him.
  • John was once seen walking on top of a local swimming pool in Liverpool. However, later investigation has revealed that, in fact, it was not a swimming pool but rather a pit of fire.
  • John made the earth in five days. On the first day, he made football (the proper kind, i.e. "soccer"). The next three days, as stated in John's own journal, are "...occupied in general rumpus and hogwash including that very formation and institutionalization of the classes of creatures and flora that doth encompass the ever expanding roster of this hellhole I have deemed 'Earth.'" The fifth day, however, was spent creating a chum for John to play chess with... Enter Andy Zaltzman. Upon further investigation by the "Newly Erected World Inspector" who was known as God, it was found not to be good and scrapped. God did, fortunately, allow John to keep Andy.
  • While it is rumoured that John's birthmother was Ling Ling the panda, forensic tests have proven inconclusive because of the high concentrations of pure and utter manliness that courses throughout his body thereby skewing the results.
  • When on tour with his band "The Olivers," John was given the key to every city in Western Europe.
  • John, along with rhino horn and tiger penis, is one of the most sought after aphrodisiacs in the Eastern world.
  • John was named King of Sarcasm in 2006. He kicked off his reign by banishing John McCain from the kingdom for improper use of the official language.
  • Friend and foe in equal measure of Sigourney Weaver, John has been named as one of the contributing factors in Sigourney's move to England and shortly there after stealing Andy's Bin.
  • After joining the National Stamp Collecting Society in Belgium, he was appointed Warden of the Stamp Collection and thus is entitled to four new stamps and a box of stamp-shaped chocolate every year.
  • It is believed that the movie Boogie Nights is based on John Oliver's early life.
  • He was a founding member of ZZ Top but was kicked out of the band before their abduction by Somali Pirates.
  • He was the Canoe Man and brought enlightenment to billions as he revealed that death is simply a move to Panama to advertise flats, where you will be reunited with your wife/husband.
  • John Oliver is behind you.
  • John Oliver's great-grandfather was called Evangeline Oliver.
  • John Oliver is not only a famous raconteur but also a raccoon (the 1985 American cartoon show, not the animal) and the rancor from Star Wars.
  • John Oliver(TM) attempted to sue the Charles Dickens foundation for copyright infringement.
  • John Oliver is a qualified idiot.
  • John Oliver made a woman orgasm by promising not to have sex with her.
  • John Oliver's semen was actually used as a abortifacient by unwed Victorian women.
  • John Oliver is an accomplished jazz and blues musician, preferring to play the Oboe, Fluba, and Rocket Launcher, either consecutively or submerged. Infamous amongst fellow Severn Trent Delta players and officiandos as The Man With The Golden Gun for his alarming penchant for shooting random members of the audience that displease him. Blind John "Shoulders Knees and Toes" McCririck, a fellow blues musician has gone on record to say that watching John Oliver play had "chilled him to the very core of his being".
  • John Oliver is the base unit required for the commencement of an orgy.
  • John Oliver has achieved absolute zero.
  • John Oliver taught Silvio Berlusconi everything he knows.
  • John Oliver was on the grassy knoll.
  • John Oliver has been routinely criticized for wearing "white face" during all public appearances.
  • John Oliver, a steam engine operator and mother of three, can routinely be seen in Medicine Hat, Canada weeping openly at the resignation of former vice presidential candidate and governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, often taking a break from his sobbing to pray for the moose population of the Great White North. He can also be found in Melbourne, Australia, but is so good at hide and seek that no one has ever found him there. He has not trimmed his toenails in quite a long time. His only belongings are a can of Heinz Baked Beans and a copy of Gary Numan's 1979 album Replicas.
  • John Oliver is actually made of gnomes operating him from within.
  • John Oliver singlehandedly brought peace to Greenland, only to remove that peace later the same year.
  • John Oliver - What the fuck is up with that guy? I know, right?
  • John Oliver once ate an entire iMac, then reassembled it.
  • John Oliver had sex with the prophet Muhammed. He must pay!
  • John Oliver is and always shall be.
  • John had an affair with Ra, the Egyptian god of the sun.
  • John Oliver is a fictional character created by JK Rowling.
  • John is Bin-Laden.
  • Professional eunuch. Classless human being.
  • John has won 15 rap duels over the course of his twelve lives that he lives simultaneously.
  • It is a little known fact that John Oliver is a shapeshifter, however he can only shift into the from of John Oliver, and John Oliver as a cloths horse.
  • John Oliver has more illegitimate children than Genghis Khan and Hannibal combined.
  • John Oliver is actually a footballer born in 1867 and rumoured to have never died.
  • John Oliver's real name is Fthagan, and he is the offspring of greath Cthulthu. He was supposed to go out and spread anarchy to prepare the way for his father's return... but being a bit lazy he settled for satire and sarcasm.
  • John Oliver led U.S. troops to Saddam Hussein's spider hole in December of 2003.
  • John Oliver is thought to know the exact location of Chico Bin Laden.
  • John Oliver can kill with an inflatable slide at 30 paces.
  • John Oliver is no longer a little girl, but has become a little woman.
  • John Oliver was recently in a fight with Andrew Lloyd Webber. The fight began when the two men got involved in a discussion over whether The Love Guru or Any Dream Will Do was the real symbol of the end of art in the western world. The two men ended up pimp slapping one another until John said "No Mas", this disgusted Webber (a former World Sambo Champion) so much he demanded John hand over his girlfriend, so in his words "she could feel the touch of a real man", John obliged like the little bitch boy that he is.
  • John Oliver lives in secret offshore island lair shaped like an ostrich, where he continues to write rewrites for The Love Guru. A task that shall never end
  • John Oliver is the fourth member of the Dixie Chicks.
  • John Oliver has thrice urinated on Steven Gerrard.

See Also Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page for further ambiguous facts regarding Mr. Oliver

Fuck you Chris

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