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Impala Armed Forces

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Impalaarmedforces

A photo of a temporary base camp for the Impala Army. Cesaro Impala, Jr. on left; Ignatius Impala on right.

The Impala Armed Forces is the official name of the army organized by impalas. Led by commander-in-chief General Cesaro Impala II, they declared war on The Bugle after Andy offended their race in episode 41.

History Edit

The impalas were believed to be the harbingers of impending religion by many tribes up until the year 1902 when it was found out that they actually are. They are thought to have been created when a group of horses were packed into aeroplanes resembling Boeing 747s, and flown into volcanoes which subsequently erupted, by a minor deity called Xebu who created mystical soul things called Crytans. Tom Cruise has since refused to comment of this, although it is known that the Church of Impalology requires a donation of 10,000 Bugle supplements (their preferred substance for starting fires) for any knowledge. The Crytans now have influenced British science fiction television, but due to the tragic mis-spelling of their name, their big break went unnoticed.

During World War II, impalas visiting Northern Africa witnessed the infamous battles between Erwin Rommel's tank divisions and the Allied forces. Bringing these warfare ideas back to their native Central African plains, the impalas quickly realized that training and organizing their citizens would offer them immense advantages over their lion nemeses, but first a government was in order. The government was to be a monarchy, but the impalas believed that the royal family line should be that of the impala deemed to be most worthy. After much deliberation, the impala people elected the family line of Arcelious Impala to be made royal. Thus, in 1949, the African Nation of Impala Socialists (ANIS), a borderless country, was formed.

Arcelious was quick to name his childhood friend, Cesaro Impala (Sr., as it would later turn out) general of the Impala Armed Forces (IAF). Cesaro was more than up to the task and was training the most fit impalas by late 1950. By 1952, the first divisions were in fighting condition. Over the next decade the skill and size of the army grew exponentially, and wildlife experts the world over scratched their heads at the sharp decrease in impala deaths by lion from year to year.

Despite the impalas' superior organization and tactics, lions still remained naturally advantaged killers. The IAF only engaged in protective skirmishes from time to time. In 1972, Cesaro Sr. formed a plan of action that is still mostly classified today. Of what we know, the plan involves amassing an unfathomably vast army of impalas that will all gather in one place, then proceed to advance through Africa, destroying any lions in their path.

This plan was soon realized to be too vast an undertaking for impalas alone, so Cesaro proceeded to help other herbivores form armies and governments, including zebras, water buffalo, rhinoceroses and elephants. By 1979, the governments of all the animals the impalas aided formed a UN-style council, the Symbiotic Union of African Herbivores (SUAH)

In 1983, Cesaro was killed during an attack on a major pride. His oldest son, Cesaro Impala, Jr. was then appointed as general of the impala army. He has been more reticent to launch open attacks on the lions, but when he has, he's proven to be just as good of a commander as his father, perhaps better.

Impala-Bugle Conflict Edit

Resistance is Futile


In 1993, Andy was invited to the Impala Film Festival as a special guest. He remained in good standing until the final film, a tragedy made by King Arcelious' brother, Xavious. While all the other impalas were bawling their eyes out, Andy remained stoic and unmoved. The impalas were deeply offended, and refused to believe Andy's excuse that his tear ducts were destroyed after he overused them upon hearing the news that Florence Nightingale had died (a feat within itself, considering Andy hadn't even been conceived at the time). The impalas chased him 37 miles before a pride of lions took pity on him and ate the impalas. From that point on, impalas declared a state of conflict between themselves and Mr. Zaltzman (as well as any allies he may gather).

In 1999, Andy returned to Africa, disguised himself as a zebra, spent two weeks of asking passers-by where Xavious and Arcelious were, spent another week actually reaching them, snuck up on the pair at night, pulled out a miniature AK-47 assault rifle, blew them away, and ate them. When Andy was discovered minutes later picking his teeth with Xavious' sternum, he screamed "It was an accident!", dropped his weapon and zebra costume, and ran for 51 straight hours, by which time he had reached Morocco and decided to swim across the Strait of Gibraltar, cross Spain and France, swim the English Channel, and go back to London.

Meanwhile, Ignatius Impala, son of Arcelious, was next in line for the crown. He was convinced against declaring war, but wears the mini AK-47 around his neck at all times and insists on accompanying Cesaro II on all field missions, hoping to have his revenge against Andy.

In 2008, Andy laid the straw that broke the camel's back. During Bugle Episode 41, he described the lion's latest attack on the impalas as a supposedly fictional account, insulting impalas' survival skills, appearance, and singing ability (backmasking and knowledge of World War I-era ciphers is necessary to hear this last one) at one go. Ignatius sent an e-mail to the Bugle declaring war on Andy Zaltzman and his allies (but granted the option of neutrality to John, who once pimp-slapped a lion that was about to attack Ignatius).

The IAF is currently mobilized in a state of active war against the Bugle, and is believed to be mobilizing forces off the coast of Dorset.

Known Allies Edit

Impalas are unofficial leaders of all African herbivores, considering that they formed SUAH. Virtually all herbivores are on their side in the War Against Lions (and beef jerky), but only a few have taken sides against the Bugle. Elephants are only giving minor troops to the cause and zebras are completely neutral, as are rhinos.

  • Gazelles are basically impalas, so are giving major support to the Army.
  • Water buffalo only have small troop support, but are behind the war 100%, and are completely badass, as made dreadfully apparent in the Battle at Kruger. The Buffalo have traditionally been neuteral in the world's many conflicts, but were finally spurred into action against the Bugle after years of sexual abuse at the hands of Andy's voracious hunger for their cheese (Andy has never been tried for this, having conducted his buffalo-tit wrangling in Italy, which is renowned for its corruption).
  • New information suggests that Andy's neighbors at #53 were being held hostage by impalas for several weeks, during which time they were forced to steal Andy's bin. The impalas saw the bin was disgruntled with it's refuse-ridden life, and may have contained important information that Andy threw away. The impalas were shocked to find that no information was in the bin; Andy swallows, processes, and defecates any possibly sensitive information into the sewer system. The bin was eager to join the impalas, however, and is reported to be lieutenant to General Cesaro, commanding a large division of IAF, Airborne Division.
  • Close impala allies, mooses, have made landfall in America to help the IAF's attempts to conquer Arkansas & Nebraska as bases of operation, but have been held at Alaska by the US Navy and Bugle Coalition, and Sarah Palin.Mooses are particularly dangerous, as they have evolved guns out of their hooves & antlers and are armed with non-biological AK-47s.
  • A loose ally of the Impalas is the Catholic Church. There have been several times when the two groups joined together (usually only temporarily) to fight against a mutual threat, mostly Andy Zaltzman. The small group of impalas that converted to Christianity centuries ago, known as Cathimpalas, are largely responsible for initiating and maintaining the fragile relationship between the Latin Church's complicated dogma and the African herbivores' simplistic grazing.
    • Noteble instances of Catholic-Impala coalitions include the bribing/brainwashing of Andy Zaltzman's daughter and the dark age that was all time before the debut of the Bugle.
  • The IRA have been reported by MI6 and CIA to be making tentative steps towards an alliance with the Impalas, current relationships are shaky but holding together well enough. The basics of the alliance are for the Impalas to commence their invasion of Britain and allow the IRA to start full scale revolution in Northern Ireland without the threat of the British army. They aren't very found of Andy.

Known Enemies Edit

  • Andy Zaltzman
  • Sarah Palin
  • Lions. Andy has always been good friends with them due to the fact that they both have poofy, slightly amusing hair. The lions are not joining the Bugle war directly, but have pledged to continue attacks on impalas, keeping them fighting on two fronts.
  • Hyenas
  • Heath Ledger, who died in the line of action against impalas (though his true cause of death was covered up by the impala-infiltrated media.)
  • Andy has tried to recruit John, who has stubbornly protected the neutrality the impalas offered him.
  • The CFN (Crocodile Forces of the Nile) from the State of Crocodile have declared war on any members of the SUAH that enter their territory. This follows a long history of conflict with the HNA (Hippo National Authority) who the Crocodiles belive have no place in the "Promised River". Because Crocodiles are Jewish they naturally side with Andy Zaltzman.
  • On August 31st, President Bush officially added Impalas to the Axis of Animal Evil for not sending troops to Iraq. In response, the Impala Armed Forces have said they will execute Bush on January 19 which in turn triggered a popularity contest to decide who will take over the next day. Senator Obama and Senator McCain are both trailing to runaway leader Bob Barr and his VP nominee, a wet stone.
  • Horses. In the time before the formation of the ANIS horses lived together with impalas in a harmonious if not friendly relationship. When the Impala Armed Forces were formed they were proposed a strategic allience. The impalas knew that the horses had infiltratd human society and might be useful to them if a full war was launched. Horses tried to avoid directly answering to this proposistion as they enjoyed living with humans and they refused to fight against the humans. This eventually spilled out into a ferocious battle known as The Battle of Equine's Fall.
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Andy Zaltzman moments after ordering airstrikes

Fuck you Chris

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