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IPhones

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An iPhone is a device designed for the mental stimulation of adults who should know better.

HistoryEdit

The first iPhone in history is believed to have been discovered in the year 2007 BB (before Bugle) in a hidden stash of goodies in downtown Baghdad, encased in a box which had the message: 'Let this not be used until the time when weird idiots are allowed to preach their madness in public'. True to form, the phone emerged some years later.

This is said to have been created by the great ancient inventor Hollabackatcha Saltalamacchia. Who was sent insane by the burrowing roots of the cotton plants he had planted in his scalp in order to perfect the self-maintaining permanent hat.

His worst recurring nightmare was that he was in a geography exam he had not revised for, and that he had only minutes to find out the names of the 4 seas and the 7 mountains which had at that point been mapped. So he created a device which could access information from afar, and was small enough to be placed in his rectum, so he was never without it. Unfortunately mains electricity and the internet had not yet been invented, so when he actually did end up in a geography exam, after the voice recognition device on his prototype matter transporter confused 'VIP room at the Pole-Position strip club' for 'school assembly hall, seat H15', he was humiliated by his results, and the viagra he had taken in readiness.

Saltalamacchia later died from a compacted bowel, after leaving the iPhone in too long. Halfway through the wake, the build up of gases inside the scientists intestines forced the phone out of his body at great speed. What happened next to the artifact is unknown, but when it was found in the box, it was covered in dried blood and contained over 700 first person pictures of gay giraffes humping.

People who own iPhonesEdit

Reasons for owning an iPhoneEdit

  • The new metal case is designed so that no damage is sustained to the phone when the owner is hit with the irresistable urge to smack a poor person in the chops

Fuck you Chris

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