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Hugo Chavez

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And on the subject on the roadworks on the A69, I blame America

~ Chavez on Roadworks on the A69 during his days as a radio traffic reporter



HugoChavez

After a failed career as a stand up comic, "Crackers" Chavez later became the president of Venezuela. He shuns his previously popular wacky personality "Crackers from Caracas," and prefers to now be called Castro Light.

Hugo "Cracker from Caracas" Chavez is a popular Venezuelan politician, widely known for blaming the United States for doing stupid shit around the world and a lot of other shit.

Chavez is a socialist along with many other leaders in Latin America today and thus is a target of attacks by Alan Greenspan-loving Bugle dictator Andy Zaltzman and world famous movie star turned Tea Party supporter John Oliver.

Things Hugo Chavez has blamed the U.S. forEdit

  • Specific wars
  • Wars in general
  • The word 'War'
  • Star Wars
  • The word 'Raw' (just in case)
  • The coming of winter every year
  • Opal Fruits being renamed as Starburst
  • Blue cheese
  • The fact that girls see him as a kind of pseudo-military lawn ornament
  • The Audio Cryptic Crossword
  • The end of the Audio Cryptic Crossword
  • John Oliver's inability to understand the Audio Cryptic Crossword
  • Scratched DVDs
  • Taxes not being paid to him
  • S Club 7, but not S Club 7 Juniors of which he is a fan
  • Andy's Bin being stolen
  • Bonekickers, not the television show but people who kick bones in general
  • The Rose Bowl (the US has conceded that they are indeed responsible for this)
  • The Rose Bowl (Hampshire County Cricket Ground), and all related traffic problems
  • Harshing his mellow, man
  • Vanilla Ice
  • Jonny Wilkinson still being injured
  • The Book of Hosea
  • Italian Ice
  • The loss of feudalism in Sark
  • Reverend Wright
  • Music which you can't hum to
  • Dry Ice
  • Chad & Jeremy (which were actually the fault of Great Britain)
  • The changing of Burma's name to Myanmar
  • The guy who does OxyClean commercials that yells really loudly and looks like a caveman
  • Prometheus stealing fire from the gods.
  • The sackings of Rome and Constantinople (455 and 1204 respectively)
  • His inability to beat level four of Resident Evil
  • John Oliver's inability to impregnate a woman
  • His lack of a breakthrough Hollywood role
  • For stealing the bottom half of the circle of stars on the Venezuelan flag, for use on their own
  • That time, when he was eleven, and he stubbed his toe
  • Synchronised swimming
  • The collapse of the British Empire (he got that right at least)
  • The fact that his flag looks likes a sad face
  • The 1975 motion picture Mitchell staring Joe Don Baker
  • The pornographic nature of his Ugly Betty fanfiction
  • Princess Di
  • Princess Di's Death
  • Princess Di's Affairs
  • Diana and Charles' Divorce
  • Liverpool's poor start to the season
  • Justin Bieber
  • Volcanoes
  • Boob Quake
  • Crazy People
  • BNP
  • Child birthing
  • President Bush
  • Everything
  • Everything else
  • A few other things he'd forgotten about
  • That one other thing that had a coffee stain on it on the original list
  • His own death

Chavez and the mediaEdit

Throughout his career, Chavez has hosted the live televison variety show known ironically as Aló Presidente ("Hello, President!"). The show broadcasts in varying formats on state owned Venezolana de Televisión (VTV—Venezuelan State Television) each Sunday at 11:00 AM. The show features Chavez addressing topics of the day, taking phone calls and live questions from both the studio and broadcast audience.

Michael DeLuca, President of Michael DeLuca Productions, having witnessed Chávez' performance on the Sunday 31st June 2005 installment of Aló Presidente, made contact to offer him the role of Dick Pants in the upcoming Mike Myers movie The Love Guru. Reports leaked to the Venezuelan media suggest that despite a strong desire to take his shit to a higher level, Chávez felt the script to be an "infantile pile of toilet humour and slapstick", and the role of Pants to be beneath him. Nevertheless he seriously considered the offer as a potential breakthrough role until learning that filming would take place in not only Canada, but the United States.

2000 fight with the French PresidentEdit

As a result of getting food poisoning from a piece of French cheese, he declared war on the French nation. The French resisted the almost unbearable urge to surrender and instead responded by calling him a vagina and telling him that the only famous people called Hugo were either French or the makers of SS uniforms. They then ate some cheese, got so drunk that they drank some Greek wine and then tried to get rid of the British EU rebate. It was a brief war, beginning when he stole the money from Chirac's sock drawer, ending when he punched Chirac so hard in the face that his nose fell off. French uselessness since then can be safely attributed to Chirac now being a zombie. French uselessness before then is irrelevant because French are a bunch of pussies.

2007 dispute with the King of SpainEdit

In 2007, Chavez put on a show to entertain guests at the Ibero-American summit in Santiago. However, the King of Spain, Juan Franco Carlos MDCCCXIX was not amused, and told the comedian to "shut up" and to "put that finger puppet back where you found it". According to an interview, only a sudden intervention from the Virgin Mary prevented King Carlos from starting an armed conflict with Venezuela.

2008 punch-up with Alvaro UribeEdit

In 2008, Chavez was involved in fisticuffs with Colombian U.S. puppet regime president Alvaro Uribe after Uribe mocked Chavez's favourite football team. The armies of their respective nations eventually had to be deployed to the border to break up the scuffling presidents.

Chavez and the ChavsEdit

Hugo Chavez is largely to blame for the influx of Chavs into popular American culture in the last few years. Chavs, are in fact sleeper cells of Hugo Chavez and it is believed that they will be "activated" by the death of the The Bugle. This is why both Zaltzman and Oliver continue to record The Bugle even when both of them are clearly unfit to do so.

Chavez/Zaltzman 2012 Edit

At this time, there are only rumors that President Hugo Chavez will ask Andy Zaltzman to co-rule, but Zaltzman has said he would serve, if politely asked.

Cloud Zapping Edit

As of January 2010, Hugo has yet to zap a single cloud, but not for lack of trying. He has publicly stated that clouds are all a bunch of "American friendly rain bastards" and that he will not rest until all clouds also known as American imperialistic aggressors have been zapped to death. The clouds seem to have the upper hand for now.

Chavez vs. QueenEdit

Turns out the Falklands were worth something after all. Argentina and England were going to get in the ring for a rematch. That was until Chavez decided to tell England to "jodan right off" and prevented another bloody conflict between Argentina and England.

Chavez in his statements called out the Queen. The Queen responded by putting her brass knuckles back on, wiping the blood off and pulling out her husbands Lee-Enfield rifle and doing the latrine scene from "Full Metal Jacket". The Buckingham Palace Guard pinned the Queen to the wall while Prime Minister and a Tea Party supporter Gordon Brown was trying to explain that Chavez didn't mean "Queen of England" but "DQ", "Dairy Queen", the fine propriator of delicous dairy based products.

Fuck you Chris

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