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Guantanamo Bay

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Guantanamo-bay-beach-cages

Detainees/visitors enjoying the sea view cages, January 2009

Guantanamo Bay Butlins is a family oriented holiday camp (previously US detention centre) which was purchased by package holiday company Butlins during its Winter push on overseas breaks after the US-owned camp was shut down by President Obama in early 2009.[1]

Due to the indefinite nature of the detainees' imprisonment they have not yet been released, thus necessitating the sharing of facilities between Bush administration detainees and Butlins guests.

HistoryEdit

The site of the Guantanamo Bay Butlins has been put to many uses over the years by the US and other governments. Occupation by such peoples as the Romans, Cubans, Czechs and a roving band of militant bank managers all left their mark on the bay area.

Gladiator pitEdit

During the early years of the Third Gulf War, a need was seen for US troops to let off steam while waiting for deployment to the Middle East, to prevent the usual troubles that occur when a lot of armed men with an indoctrinated desire to kill are sitting around with nothing to do.

The solution was to set up gladiatorial fights between innocent Iraqis and Afghans who were held without trial for so long that it would be troublesome to let them go home. To the victor, a fake moustache and freedom via release into Cuba. To the loser, death.

This proud tradition is continued to this day in the Butlins event called "Fight to the Cake", where guests are selected at random and forced into bloody and violent combat for the chance at a slice of Sara Lee chocolate fudge cake.

Detention centreEdit

After the US media caught wind of these battles (Fox News called it "A rip-roaring rollercoaster ride of a show" and awarded it 4 stars), a more publicly acceptable use had to be found for the location, and as such it was turned into a detention and interrogation centre to help fight the battle in the campaign in the war against terror.

Over the years this institution has caused no complaints and generated no controversy for the Bush administration or its supporters. This is due primarily to the humane and necessary nature of the camp, and its key role in this righteous global crusade.

Camp facilitiesEdit

In a money-saving effort, the company retained many of the features of the camp for use by its visitors, including the "sea cages" (pictured above) and the cells (or "suites") which Butlins described as "… cozy, while lacking the decadent pretentiousness of modern hotels abroad."

SuitesEdit

Guests at Guantanamo Bay Butlins stay in the Luxury Suites which were converted from unused prisoner cells. According to Butlins, this conversion "… updated the antiquated and inadequate housing from the previous ownership, providing a spacious and well-lit living area for our valued guests." The conversion involved replacing the blue bed mats with Butlins red.

Room service is available via a convenient in-door slot, capable of fitting standard issue "Fun Trays". These trays were another hand down from the previous ownership, containing polygraph-capable cutlery sets and a camera set in the tray which watches you while you eat.

In a bold move by Butlins, the guest wings operate a 9pm lights out policy, during which all guests are locked into their rooms for the night. When queried on the purpose of this action, Butlins responded that "In these economic and environmental times, it is the responsibility of all organisations to think green and think clean. With our new Lights Out policy we are using up to 30% less electricity than a typical Butlins camp, and it's saving us a bundle as well".

Red coatsEdit

As is typical in Butlins camps, activity guides called Red Coats are employed to entertain the guests. In accordance with the US Employment Act 1946 U.S.C. §1021, Butlins was required to retain the employment of the previous wardens.[2] This was done by retraining them as Red Coats to support the guests and guard the remaining prisoners. Initial reports seem positive, claiming that the transition was minimal.

Recreational areasEdit

Sea cagesEdit

Guest feedbackEdit

Fuck you Chris


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