Hosni Mubarak

Muhammad Hosni Sayid Sayid Ibrahim Mubarak aka Hosni Mubarak is the current Despotic ruler of the Arab Republic of Egypt, he was appointed Vice President in 1975 after the 1974 expenses scandal and is the longest ruling Egyptian leader since Pharoah Ramesses The Great (1279 BC - 1213 BC).

Early Life[]

Hosni Mubarak was born on 4 May 1928 in Kafr-El-Meselha, Al Monufiyah, Egypt in a small shed in his uncle's garden. He attended Mohammed High School in Cairo where he was bullied relentlessly for his inability to write prose of any sort, a memory that has stayed with him ever since. Upon leaving High School he was voted by his class as "Most Likely to go bat shit crazy", he was against this ruling for two reasons:

He was unaware that people in school did not like him.
They voted in a fully democratic manner with many people eligible for nomination.

Mubarak Olarinoye

Upon completing high school, Mubarak joined the Egyptian Military Academy, where he excelled in cookery and origami. On 2 February 1949, he left the academy and joined the Air Force Baking School in Alexandria, gaining his commission as a Cookery Officer on 13 March 1950, eventually earning a Master's Degree in Applied Confectionery.

As an officer, Mubarak served with various units until he joined the "Speed Fire" squadron, where his skills were applied in a fast food chain attached to the Air Force Canteen.

In 1959 he took a sabbatical from the Air Force in order to take his career in a completely new direction, this time he elected to attend the Josef Stalin School for the Tyrannically Inclined in Stalingrad where he took a course entitled 'Despots: A Guide to Conquest.' Modules in which he excelled were:

How to kill your boss and get away with it.
Assassination Dodging - the 5 style method.
How to have elections when there is no-one else to vote for.

On his return to Egypt, Mubarak rejoined the Air Force and took command of the West Cairo Air Base in 1966. Although he was woefully under qualified for the job, he had created a fantastically glorified CV that was never checked, a policy he soon changed when in office.

Mubarak continued his military career until it reached its apex in 1972 when he was made Head of the Air Force, knowing that he was in no way qualified for this role, and any wrong decisions would hurt any political campaign he would make in the future, he quickly opted to swap the Air Force for Politics, where his natural inclination for lying and cheating could be used to full effect.

President of Egypt[]

Following the assassination of Sadat by militants in 1981, Hosni Mubarak became the new leader of Egypt and Chairman of the National Democratic Party (NDP). Many news agencies reported that the militants were, in fact, funded by Mubarak and he had Sadat killed on order to become President, these stories were quickly and violently silenced and were subsequently forgotten, an act he has since dedicated to his childhood hero, Mahatma Ghandi. A spokesman for the Ghandi family has stated that Mr. Mubarak seems to have misunderstood a few of the Mahatma's teachings, but was flattered by the dedication.

Return to the Arab League[]

President Sadat had made a peace treaty with Israel in 1979 - this did not sit well with Mubarak, who saw this as reprehensible, as did many in the Arab world, subsequently Egypt was kicked out of the Arab League. One of Mubarak's first acts as President was to reverse this treaty, he made the following statement regarding this matter on 15 October 1981: -

"Finally the balance has been returned and Islam in Egypt, once again, is at odds with Judaism in Israel. Now we can all sleep with one eye open wondering when the next war will start."

Noticeably, he has made little head way in regards to this war, relying instead on the childish tactics of hair pulling, name calling and stating repeatedly to those he disagrees with "I Know you are, but what am I?"

Assassination Attempts[]

As of 24 July 2009 Mubarak has survived 6 attempts on his life, fortunately for him these have all but one of these have been carried out up by a militant group of Looney Tunes fans (calling themselves 'Acme Jihad') who have based their tactics on the plans of Wile E Coyote and as such have always just missed their target.

Little is known about the one attempt not associated with Acme Jihad, it is possible that it was purely an embarrassing masticating incident, all that has been confirmed is that it involved a pretzel.

Popular Culture[]

Hosni Mubarak was offered the role of Dick Pants in the Mike Myers film 'The Love Guru' on seeing the script Mubarak claimed that to play this role would bring too much shame on him, his family, his country and would ultimately be a stain on his soul that would never wash away.
He is currently ranked 20th on Parade Magazine's Worlds Worst Dictators list, he has stated that he is confused by this and would like clarification if this means he is good dictator or just a bad leader. Representatives from Parade Magazine are, so far, unavailable for comment.
The Hanson song 'MmmBop' is a direct reference to Mubarak as it is his wife's pet name for him.

Fuck you Chris