"I should run for president!"
John 'Brass Knuckles' McCain was born on October 21st, 505 BC in the American province of Panama Canal Zone to King Leonidas I of Sparta and Gorgo while they were on holiday. A son of strong military stock, McCain was taken away from his parents at the age of seven to start his rearing in the US military way of life. After years of training and taking full advantage of multiple "lazy Sundays;" McCain graduated from the US Naval Academy in 1958. He was third from the bottom in his class but still the two people that were below him were Joni Mitchell and Cat Stevens; plus his Spanish and History teacher totally had it in for him. It was now that he invented the oven chip after an unfortunate accident involving a potato peeler, a potato and fourteen thousand elaborate sex toys.
Upon graduating from the Academy, McCain was stationed to Point Barrow, Alaska, as a weather station commander. Here he meet a young petty officer named Jackie Palin, Sr., who reared a love child several years later in 1964 named Sarah Palin. The birth was kept secret as John and Jackie feared for the young girl's life because the evil prince Ted Stevens, dark lord of Alaska, had a penchant for virgin babies' blood. Under the cover of night John, Jackie, and little Sarah hid on the back of a transporter to Idaho where John left them in a safe location while he was called to Vietnam. As he left his family in the wilds of Idaho, John turned back to Sarah and said, "When it is time, I will call upon you."
John's new assignment in Vietnam was to fly bombers off a moving ship that resemble when a chainsaw meets a snooker table. His primary mission was to destroy the North Vietnamese secret factory which was making cheap knock offs of the American board games Boggle, Sorry, and ironically, Monopoly. On his fifth attempt to take out this factory his plane was hit by a missile. Apparently, John was sleeping off a hangover when they were teaching how to evade a missile in flight school. Looking back, it was still worth it.
John McCain during battle (artist's depiction)
After his airplane crashed into North Vietnam and seeing that he didn't have a ride back, McCain checked into the Hanoi Hilton. However, his credit card was overdrawn and he was thrown into a bleak camp with other Americans who couldn't pay their hotel bills. For five years, the Hilton forced McCain and his companions to work off their escrowed debt to Hilton which was acquired by the nation of Vietnam. Angry over the fact that linen count was below 150 threads, the Vietnamese government punished McCain and his fellow impoverish Americans with wet bamboo, beatings, burns, electrocutions and Leroy Neiman paintings.
After five years, the American government and the owners of Vietnam reach an agreement to bring McCain and his compatriots’ home. In order to save the reputation of Hilton of a fine hotel chain, the US government stated that these people were prisoners of wars and should be treated as heroes. Matter in fact, the whole Vietnam war was a cover up in order to save face of several major American hotel chains going out of business in Southeast Asia.
Once home, McCain made several aborted attempts at owning small businesses which included a failed hamburger chain named "POW-Burgers" which moniker was "the only thing more shocking than our treatment of prisoners is our prices." Sadly this cross over attempt at bringing together S&M and American fast food failed dramatically. Realizing that he was still in the Navy, McCain was assigned to Washington, D.C. to command the navy of the reflection pond. Once he got there and realized that the Navy had played a joke on him, he resigned and vowed to move to a place with absolutely no water... Arizona.
McCain Facts
Did you know John McCain was a prisoner of war in Vietnam? Well he was.
P.S. Don't tell him I told you, he's very shy about the whole thing.
McCain as a Bugler?
Queries and theories abound as to J MC's status as a Bugler, he has never stated he DOESN'T listen to the Bugle. Add to that the number of jokes he appears to have stolen from Andy and John, then add the fact that at the third presidential debate McCain preformed a meandering rap praising Florence Nightingale's "rad hotness" it all adds up to McCain being a big Bugle fan and filthy joke stealer/dirty old man.
Fuck you Chris