Tash

Tash is the name of Andy Z. Zaltzman’s late beloved dog. Facts regarding Tash’s life are scarce, though lies less so.

Andy has been heart broken since his/her death and since then his only confort has been in the corpse of the dead Florence Nightingale.

For example, the spelling of the name ‘Tash’ has never been confirmed by either Andy or John. Consequently, the number of appellation variations number as high as those of Omar Khadafi/ Muammar Qaddafi/ Mo'ammar Gadhafi.

Proposed Tash variations:

• Tashe
• Tache
• Tasche
• (Mus)tache
  • (n.b. ‘mus’ is silent)
• Taash
• Taashe
• Taasche
• T’ash
• T’ashe
• Ptash
  • (n.b. ‘p’ is silent, as in ptarmigan)

Like Tash’s gender, his/her breed is another area of speculation. Some Buglers think that Tash was a scrappy Bulldog, or a sleek Irish Setter, or a sporty Spaniel, or a loyal Labrador. Others claim that Tash was in fact the forefather of all labradoodles, goldendoodles, and schnoodles. Even less likely are wild claims that Tash was a prizewinning Portugese Water Dog, and a supportive uncle of the young Bo Obama in the latter’s early career. Conspiracy theorists are undeterred in their belief that the dog was a direct descendant of Clifford the Big Red Dog, and heir to the PBS Empire.

The single non-contentious area is Tash’s fur color. According to the Kennel Club, Tash was registered with an “unabashedly ginger” coat.

Andy has been known to fondly reminisce over his late dog during emotional segments of The Bugle.

Requiescat in Pace, Tash.

Facts

• Tash passed away due to unknown circumstances over 20 years ago.
• Prior to passing away at the age of 105 (in dog years), Tash had achieved three degrees, two more than his master:
  • B.A. Honours in Classics
  • B.A. Honours in Media Studies
  • B.E. Honours in Digging, Excavation, and Backyard Archaeological Studies
• Tash supplied the voice of Muggle on the short-lived American animated program Capitol Critters.
• Tash was so loyal to young Andy that he was the inspiration for both Greyfriar’s Bobby and Hachiko the Akita.
• Of the half dozen worthy puppies in his litter, Tash was selected by a young Andy due to his accent-free Greek recitation of Homer’s The Iliad.
• In his early days, Tash rescued a young John Oliver who had fallen down a well.
• Tash achieved the rank of master sergeant in the Spanish Army. The minimum required IQ to join the army is 70, which Tash surpassed with flying colors.
• Tash was a devoted friend of K9, who once invited him for a joyride on the TARDIS. Their first stop was the barrack hospital at Scutari, circa the Crimean War, to meet the incomparable Florence Nightingale. When Tash snatched one of her bonnets and gave it to Andy as a birthday present, his master’s unhealthy devotion to the nurse was assured.
• Tash was cremated, Viking style, in a burning yacht on the Thames.

Fuck you Chris