England is the worst country in the world, home of the Bugle and sworn enemy of the Bin-Impala Confederacy. England is shit and they suck at football (soccer).
In 1511, Henry VIII got drunk and was feeling a little frisky, so he challenged Pope Julius II to a game of Who's Got The Biggest Nutsack, betting the sovereignty and ownership of England on the outcome. After a showing by the Pope so spectacular that historians have mistaken his performance for the 1506 solar eclipse, Henry flounced back to his palace screaming foul play and hid under his bed, clearing the way for the Papal States' navy to tow England into the Mediterranean, to be moored off the coast of Rome as the Pope's back garden and orgy grotto. Henry was eventually coaxed out from under the bed and employed the services of the old friend of England, the Spanish Armada, to attack England as it was being towed edge-on through the two-hundred-mile-wide channel between Spain and Portugal, to ruin its property value and make it less appealing to the Pope. Ten thousand Spanish galleons sailed up and gave Norwich, the bottom-most part of England being scraped along the Atlantic seabed, a full broadside, causing England to tilt ponderously and crash on top of Spain, thus connecting Spain to Portugal. The survivors were furious and swore bloody revenge upon England. Henry and his men hastily swam back to the gaping hole where England once was and constructed the plastic and cardboard replica we know and love today, before the French noticed and attempted to annex Wales. As soon as it was finished Henry returded to see Mr.Pope wheeling the royal sledge hammer and systematically pounded the papal prong. The outcome was so spectacular that Micky Paintbrush decided to put them on the roof of his Sistene Chapel.
On Tuesday, 1771, after watching the epic classic Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla in his private cinema, the wise but impressionable George II thought it'd be, like, totally awesome to construct a master race of metallic reptilian killing machines and invade Canada with them, having been jilted at the aisle some years previously by a Canadian grizzly bear who'd claimed to be the Balinese god of used tampons. Over twenty thousand Mechagodzillas were constructed and George and his army made it halfway across the Atlantic, George bestriding the lead Mechagodzilla swimming through the ocean like a latter-day Tarzan, naked but for a leopard-skin loincloth and screaming anti-Canadian-Grizzly obscenities, before it was pointed out to him that Canada was already mostly British, and while kicking the shit out of one's own subjects would indeed make for an afternoon of fun, still greater fun could be had by doing the same to the French. George reluctantly turned his army around and two weeks later assaulted the French coastline. The armies of Louis XV, still very much considering the pinnacle of military technology to be a rabbit with a post-it note saying "CHARGE" stuck to it, were quickly beaten, and the world awoke to the advantages of industrial Godzillas. The Industrial Revolution was born!
Fuck you Chris