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Cricket

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Cricket is "martial art" that was developed in the early 1600s as a way of subduing resistance in the growing imperial holdings of the British Empire, but since the relative decline of the colonial era the fighting style has been reduced to a weary remembrance of happier times when the English controlled the world.

The Birth of CricketEdit

In the autumn of 1588, an amateur historian and former officer of the Portuguese navy, Miguel Galuão, was granted an audience with one of Queen Elizabeth's advisors, to whom he recounted a curious happening that occurred in the Canary Islands during the last century. It seems that, according to the story, the Spanish were able to win over the natives by introducing them to the game of chess (which seems to have immediately eclipsed the pastime of "naughts and crosses" brought to the Islanders by the Portuguese when they colonized it in the 14th century). Galuão theorized that it was a nation's ability to create interesting sport that allowed that nation to successfully conquer natives of far away lands, and claimed that it was the game of chess (and bullfighting if the local fauna supported it) that allowed the Spanish to steal the mantel of Colonizer in Chief from the Portuguese (who, as you're no doubt aware, in turn had stolen it from the Republic of Ragusa).

Using Galuão's suggestion, the English set out to create a game so time consuming to play that once they introduced the sport to a colonial holding, the natives would be too absorbed in the game to resist the exploitation of their material and demographic resources, and thus created and exported cricket to all corners of the world (from the Caribbean Islands, to Africa, South and Southeast Asia).

Although the British couldn't acknowledge the role Galuão played in the creation of the game (as he was a devout and unapologetic Roman Catholic) but many historians believe that the name "cricket" is a nod to the man, as he was well known for the staff he carried after loosing part of his right leg during a campaign against the Barbary Regency of Tunis (and naturally the word was derived from the Old English word cricc, or cryce, which means crutch or staff).


It is widely known that Cricket is the favourite game of terrorists like Osama bin Laden, the Tamil Tigers and Hezbollah, although no one is quite sure why. The suggestion that they feel the distractions and divisions sports like cricket create within Western culture allows them to conduct terror without the world watching has been largely dismissed in lieu of the sugesstion that they just like the sound that the cricket bat makes when it comes into contact with the ball.

Cricket TodayEdit

While there is a reactionary minority of Britons who maintain that as long as the game of cricket is still played overseas, the British Empire is still on, and that if a nation is defeated by Britain for 12 consecutive years, the Queen has the right to seize control of its government.

But for most people in Britain and people formerly ruled by Britain, the game is played only to pay tribute to an era gone by, that, and to keep up the facade that it is truly a sport to confuse Americans.

An objective view of modern cricket would reveal that it is likely a largely fictitious sport which exists to annoy Americans.

American ResponceEdit

Main article: American Interpretation of Cricket

In responce to the recent excitement over the Ashes, a group of American representitives of the sports industry have releaced the following statement:

"We don't get it, therefore we are afraid of it and hate it. Our next war will be a War on Cricket, ya'll been warned. Your wickets and bats and other nonsense won't protect you from aerial bombardment. BLUE THUNDER, BLUE THUNDER GO GO GO!"
Fuck you Chris

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