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Bugler

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Parti Gras '09 in Clearwater

The Mystery Bugler is rumored to totally control the Bugle

A bugler is a person that listens to The Bugle. They are oft recognized by their abrupt bursts of laughter while listening to MP3 players, their undying belief in ridiculous lies, and their distinctive straitjacket attire. Buglers are also notoriously good tippers, often leaving 500% tips on drink orders at airport restaurants, high-end luxury spas, and abattoir-themed brothels. Despite their musical monikers, buglers are notoriously untalented when it comes to playing - or listening to - music. Their iPods, Zunes, and seashell-based MP3 players are filled to capacity with Air Supply, REO Speedwagon, Regis Philbin, and bootleg copies of Noam Chomsky at a pig-calling contest. Never ask a bugler what's on his or her "favorites" playlist. You will be disappointed. You will be suicidal. You will wake up smelling of chloroform and marshmallow Peeps.

Potential Buglers Edit

Here is a list of individuals who could, or would have, listened to the Bugle. This list is an ongoing project by our staff of Buglitorians (who study the socio-historical aspects of the Bugle and should not be confused with Buglologists) and any amature Buglitorians should feel free to add their findings to the proper list.

Potential Buglers (Live) Edit

  • Dalai Lama (presumably the 14th)- Tibet Fan
  • Richard Gasquet- French Tennis Star
  • Elizabeth Shue- Harvard grad and diamond advertiser.
  • Chuck Palahniuk; writer of the book turned film 'Fight Club', both Andy and John are members of this underground club as they NEVER mention it. It has been noted that the characters of Tyler Durden and narrator 'Joe' much resemble the split personality nature of John and Andy.
  • Michiko Kakutani
  • Kenny Danglish
  • Mike Chaucher- L.A. Manager
  • Geraldo Rivera's mustache- facial hair of American news commentator
  • Moussa Koussa - now he has little else to do
  • Surviving members of the 1978-79 Toronto Blue Jays (save the infield)
  • Alan Greenspan- economist and former chairman of the American federal reserve (sources say he has taken up listening to the Bugle to replace his former economic beliefs now that they're no good).
  • The cast and crew of the hit USA Network TV show "Burn Notice." Characters welcome! INDEED!
  • Boutros Boutros-Ghali - Former Secretary General of the UN
  • The Fictional Doctor 'House' and Dr. James Wilson
  • The very real Dr Jekyl
  • Deryck Whibley
  • Shigeru Miyamoto
  • Chad Ochocinco (The Black Mexican)
  • Hugo Chavez - righteous crusader against America since 1999
  • Amy Childs - intellectual, tan expert and star of The Only Way is Essex
  • Dante (classic Devil May Cry) - devil hunter, gunslinger, and badass extraordinaire

Retrospective Buglers Edit

  • Otto Von Bismarck- Renowned German Chancellor
  • Linus Pauling - The only winner of two Nobel Prizes in two different categories without sharing credit
  • Franz Boas- Father of American Anthropology
  • Leo Tolstoy- Russian writer, but not his wife because they didn't really get on much and she would have refused to listen to it out of sheer spite.
  • Thelonious Sphere Monk- American Jazz Pianist and Composer
  • Cecil Chubb- Last private owner of Stonehenge
  • Alexander Dubček- Leader of Czechoslovakian Communist Party during Prague Spring of 1968-69
  • William Ewart Gladstone- English Statesman during the 19th Century
  • Tahvo Putkonen- the last person executed by the Finlands, 1825
  • Ned Leeds - the original Hobgoblin, as revealed in "The Amazing Spider-Man" #289
  • Jeremy Bentham (I) - an English jurist, philosopher, legal and social reformer, political radical, and a leading theorist in Anglo-American philosophy of law, best known for his advocacy of utilitarianism, animal rights, and his opposition to the idea of natural rights, with his oft-quoted statement that the idea of such rights is "nonsense upon stilts."
  • Jeremy Bentham (II) - The name John Locke assumes when he time-travels off that batshit island in "Lost" to encourage the Oceanic Six to return to it.
  • Jim Varney - an American actor and comedian best known for his character Ernest P. Worrell.
  • Jesus H Christ-Convicted rabble rouser

People Who Would Have Benefited from being Buglers Edit

  • Philip the Handsome - Great judge of women.
  • George Armstrong Custer - Esteemed tactician and diplomat.
  • Gaius Julius Caesar - Peaceful, democratically elected leader of the free world from 13 July 100 BC to 15 March 44 BC.
  • That guy other there.
  • Lex Luther - Kind hearted entrepreneur and philanthropist.
  • Adolph Hitler - Anything to calm the little weirdo down, make him a little less hyper.
  • Jeff Dunham - To learn what 'comedy' and 'jokes' are, and to get his hand out of a puppet's dogstar for long enough to press play on his iPod.

Fuck you Chris

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