Resistance is Futile
Andy "The Hot Truth" Zaltzman, otherwise known as Zaltor the Merciless, renowned for his pioneering work on the WILDLY popular podcast The Bugle with friend and collaborator John "What The Funk?" Oliver. He looks, according to some fans, "like the love child of Harpo Marx and Krusty the Klown." Andy watches the news from typcial Euro Cretin perspective in London, while John keeps tabs on the NYC political circle jerks in New York, and once a week they come together to create The Bugle from the help of a magical telecomunicationary device known as the telephone. Among Andy’s notable contribution to the Bugle are: the irregular Bugle Blog, the late, lamented Audio Cryptic Crossword, and perhaps his greatest strength; lying.
Education and Early LifeEdit
In the 1970's Andy "Noddy Holder" Zaltzman had a number of hits with the rock band Slade, including "Cum On Feel The Noize" and "The Lord Is My Keeper". Sometime in 1974 he inexpliably shrank into a minor-grade fetus and implanted himself in the uterus of the woman who was to become his mother. As a child, Andy fought in the Lady Esmerelda Memorial Army, rising to the rank of Lieutenant-Major in the 102 Big Guns whilst waging holy vengance against the American Football team the Kansas City Chiefs in retribution for their crushing defeat of the Minnesota Vikings in the SuperBowl of 1970. Some argue that as the mighty Zaltor wouldn't be born for another 4 years, his contribution to the Battle of Yggdrasil (where Len Dawson famously mounted Ratatoskr and rode around the battlefield shouting "haha! No cake for you my pretties") was limited, however, Andy's future embryonic self guided the 102 Big Guns to a phyrric victory. Big Z attended the Tonbridge Boarding School for the Exceptionally Exceptional (this of course relating to his penis size), then attended Oxford University where he studied the Classics and had the post of sports editor for The Oxford Student newspaper. Andy himself, has stated that this expensive education was an unequivocal waste of money, as evident upon looking at his work on the Bugle.
Zaltzman put himself through college designing webpages. 10 years later he would draw criticzim that his skills have not been updated, as evident by his new Bugle webpage.After graduating from Oxford, Andy spent a two years as the chairman of the European Guild of Miming until the mimes found out that his mime was on the same level as his Jewishness, (very, very bad). Apparently he was vastly unable to translate his trademark brand of satirical lies to a non-verbal medium, and is allergic to white face-paint. The mutinous mutes attempted to lynch Zaltzman, but luckily for Andy the mimes attempted to use their invisible ropes to do it... and needless to say they failed. So they instead sentenced him to an exile from mimedom and none of them will speak to him to this day.
Zaltzman once came to international attention when he attended the final of the Swansea scrabble tournemant. Commentators described his spectating style as a "laid back, intelligent style of watching" and he was particularly praised for not losing his cool when the umpire allowed the word "jaffacake" to stand despite the collection of letters blatantly violating every rule in the book, and considering the regrettable role of said popular snack in the future death by choking of his long lost brother Gareth Zaltzman. Gareth Zaltzman met Andy the day before the tragic events where madmen Nils Olav and Ralph Paoli, disguised as a penguin pretending to be Charles Dickens and the Island of Corsica respectively, distracted him with a plate of jaffa cakes whilest continually shoving Skittles down his throat until the twitching stopped.
He currently works nine-to-five in a joke mine outside south London.
Andy, due to a lost bet, is now the official mascot of the Irish Cricket team after the Irish team's recent stunning victory over former Colonists England, a match which many have described as the greatest victory against the odds in any field, sporting or otherwise, since the great JC defied death itself a few thousand years ago.
Before his ocasionally scintillating comedy career he had many jobs, notably his time spent as a wrestler in the WWF.
The Z man was contacted by his long time friend Hulk Hogan to act as Hulk from January 1987 for an indeterminate amount of time, while he went to the Serengeti to battle Dick Clark in a fight to the death. Andy accepted Hulks offer and seemlessly replaced Hulk due to his long blonde hair and his ripped body. Andy the new Hulk quickly became the most dominant wrestler of all time, however his tenure of dominance was ended when the Z man was defeated by the Ultimate Warrior at Wrestlemania 6. The Z man claimed he had not lost the match and the WWF title because he was suffering from severe itchy cahonas, after shaving his cahonas for the first time after being bated into it the previous night by Eazy E at the World Shuffleboard Championships, his appeal was declined and the loss stood. After the defeat he went into a severe decline and started to binge on orange crayons after he was told by David Icke that if you eat enough crayons of one colour then your hair will turn into that colour. In the middle of his depression Hulk returned victorious from the Serengeti with his new squeeze the Rush, Rush hit maker Paula Abdul. It was expected that the Z man would face the Hulk in a mega match, however this never happend after the Hulk got the Z man sacked from the WWF after he pistol whipped Paula for claiming that KerPlunk was a real game and not the alter ego of J Edgar Hoover.Zaltzman is known for his work with fellow pod-führer John Oliver on such projects as The Department and Political Animal (both on BBC radio 4). He has also been featured on BBC radio 4’s The Now Show and The News Quiz, as well as BBC4’s Never Mind the Full Stops and The Late Edition.
Zaltzman has also appeared in major festivals such as Edinburgh Fringe and Melbourne International Comedy Festival, at which he was presented the prestigious “piece of wood” award in 2007 by his fellow comedians.Andy has recently branched out to become an author as well, writing the Bugle Column for the Times of London Newspaper, and has penned the No.1 bestselling book Does Anything Eat Bankers?: and 53 Other Indispensable Questions for the Credit Crunched. Andy's reason for taking up the guise of an author seems to be an effort to make up for all his children's milk money that he looses betting on snooker and playing online video-Roulette (which he refuses to acknowledge was a scam).
Zaltzman revealed on the Bugle podcast lately that he receives around £0.40 for every sale of his bestseller; the book sold approximately 5.5million copies worldwide, so it can be deduced that he earned £2.2million solely from his book. Many publishing industry experts now classify Does Anything Eat Bankers?: and 53 Other Indispensable Questions for the Credit Crunched as a religious text.
His career highlight was, however, the composition of his latest symphony, entitled "Get down there and suck my bin with the hip-hop beats (Impalas are a bunch of bitches)"
Zaltzman is a part time evil genius under the nam the zaltz-man ( with emphisis on the man or it gives his identity away). His evil plans included painfully destoying the worlds eardrums and conrrolling minds of idiots; by creating mika the worlds first Controled Unit of Terror(c.u.n.t). Every saturday he turns Bugle HQ into a builiding for flamboyant genocide and letters begging for him too be the new bond villians. after the rejection Andy killed Daniel Craig and replaced him with an evil robot actor that will keep Britain glued to the screen while he releases nuclear gas from his arse.Zaltzman used to be a prominent musician. Andy is mostly known for his role in the kooks of which he used to be the guitarist. Andy brought the band into the mainstream music scene in 2006 due to the fact that he completed the bands indie image and his gothic riffs. However, in late 2007, zaltzman parted ways with the band because luke pritchard the main signer of The Kooks was furious that andy had started a new projuct named "The Bugle" with blues signer John Oliver. Since then, andy has given up music and spews puns out of his mouth to comfort himself.
Over his lifetime, Andy has accumulated a fair number of titles. Here are a few of the most official ones (note that Andy may have given himself a few and so the officialness of said titles may be slightly diminished).
- Emperor of ALL the Europes
- Inventor of Kentucky Fried Chicken's Double Down Sandwich
- Former WWF Intercontinental Champion Doink the Clown
- Co-Founder of the Nation of Islam
- Knower of Sport
- Tammy Wynette's #1 Non-American, Non-Christian, Non-Racist, Non-Inbred and Non-Deaf Fan (there have been calls to remove the 'Non-Inbred' title as it was recently revealed that Zaltzman was born in Kent.)
- Commodore of Puns (has subsequently been promoted to Vice-Admiral)
- Most Likely to Choke to Death Eating Sausage
- Bad Jew
- Public Enemy Number 3.243 by the Bin-Impala Confederacy
- European Buffalo-Cheese Eating Champion: 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007,
2008- (NOTE: The 2008 title has been temporarily suspended after he was tested positive for taking the Cheese Eating enhancing drug lactoease. Zaltzman claims it was in his blood stream as the drug occurs naturally in all puns. The EBCECF is still investigating the matter.)
- Undefeated Russian Roulette and Table Tennis Combined Champion, 2007, 2008
- Anti-ex-convict googlie provider of Ashes finals
- 2nd Place in Plymouths 14th Annual Andy Zaltzman Look A Like competition & joint 3rd in their Actually Being Andy Zaltzman, No We Really Do Mean It This Time Could Andy Zaltzman Please Make His Way To The Information Desk Where His Wife Is Waiting Contest (The later title remains both controversial and confusing given Andy’s joint role of both creator and judge of the competition and his resulting metaphysical crisis resulting in his awarding 1st prize to a Ms Alice Felton, 42, as he remains convinced that she actually is him as well. When asked to comment on the decision Andy replied "well, yes, we were disappointed with the result but I think that overall the lads played well and y'know, there's still 8 matches before the end of the season so I don't think that relegation's on anyone’s mind just yet.)
- Worlds First Person To Have His Mouth Transplanted With; A Bull's Arse (At the age of 5 after a serious car accident on a farm he lost his mouth. Doctors then look for the thing that was; most like it; on the farm)
- Kosher Magazine's Worst Dressed Jew Currently Living Outside Israel, just beating David Baddiel and Jesus
Conspiracies and ControversiesEdit
|“||...no smoke without a fire.||”|
— Andy Zaltzman
In 1805, the Lewis and Clarke expedition landed at the Pacific Ocean. Interestingly and somewhat suspiciously, one hundred and fifty years or so later (in fact, one hundred and fifty years later exactly), Andy's life and career became embroiled in controversy when it was revealed that the Communist author and baby eater Vladimir Nabokov had based his character Humbert Humbert - the protagonist of his novel "Lolita" - on Mr. Zaltzman. In a candid interview with "The Daily Paranoid" upon publishing the novel, the author revealed, "These rumours are true. The one known as the "Bad Jew" by some, "Zaltzmanator" by others, and "Andy" to no one has been my inspiration for this novel."
Luckily for Andy, it was later revealed to be a spiritual, and not literal inspiration, by Laurence Sterne, a confidant of Vladimir Nabokov's (this in itself an interesting relationship, as Sterne - the author of such impenetrable and pointless works as "Tristam Shandy" - had passed away 131 years before Nabokov was born). Speaking somewhat paradoxically in 1760, he said of Zaltzman and Humbert, "An interesting one. It wasn't the acts of Zaltzman that Vlad took as inspiration, it was rather the fact that he had a disgusting obsession". When pressed upon what this obsession may be, Sterne looked aghast at his interviewer before collapsing dead on the floor - though it strangely took the authorities eight years to confirm him dead, as they thought he was digressing somewhat ostentatiously. It is thought that this "disgusting obsession" Sterne talks of is of course the dotage Andy heaps upon Florence Nightingale. In an interesting piece of trivia, Florence Nightingale wasn't involved whatsoever in the Lewis and Clark expedition.
Oddly enough several years later, a printing error in Stan Man, What a Plan! the groundbreaking biography of Stanley Kubrick, famous director of the film adatption of Lolita, as well as Spartacus, Dr. Strangelove, and The Shinning, by Arthur Fitzgerald, which incorrectly credited a dream Andy once had as the inspiration for the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. While Mr. Zaltzman did in fact have a dream once that followed the sequence shot for shot exactly, Mr. Kubrick was unaware of this fact until the project was well into post-production. The brief but violent uproar against Andy by diehard Kubrick fans which followed, is perhaps the only riot connected to Mr. Zaltzman, of which there are many, for which he wasn't actually responsible.
The Batting Cage Incident Edit
On 20th December 2012 John took Andy to the same batting cage facility that was the scene of his humiliation in Bugle 95. Unbeknownst to John, Andy had dressed in the traditional national dress of cricket, as a means of protest at the state of modern cricket in America, and its "disgusting phallic-centric reimagining of the cricket bat."
Once inside the cage, and unable to contain his rage any more, he threw off his cape that had concealed the cricket whites, and in a homage to Delonte West, removed his cricket bat from a guitar case. Thus began a brutal period of hitting sixes, periodically stopping for mozarella to replenish his cricketing powers, until the seven year olds who had traumatized John three years earlier reappeared, and made the greatest mistake of their lives.
They began by insulting Andy's attire, which Andy was able to ignore as it is common knowledge that cricket whites replaced tuxedos in Europe in 2010 as the height of sartorial elegance. The abuse continued until one of the children insulted Andy's custom cricket bat, which featured a painting of hottie from history Flo' Nightengale, slanging, "yo schmuck! who's that ugly frau on your plank?"
It is at this point that scientists agree that Andy "snapped," with actions that led to the arrival of Bill Clinton in a negotiation capacity. Thankfully, the situation was resolved on the agreement that the England cricket team, with Andy as captain, would play the winner of the baseball "world series" in a rounders match to decide the actual world champion at bat and ball.
The people of Australia are reportedly seeking a paternity test to see if Andy is in actuality a citizen of an English speaking island nation associated with an accent that Americans find funny other then England. Australia claims that the UK is committing a human rights violation by keeping the pale, Jewish comedian from roaming free in the sun drenched Outback. New Zealand, another English speaking island nation associated with an accent that Americans find funny other then England (who is also not recognized by my spell checker), are trying to claim John Oliver on the grounds that by law he has to stay one and only one ocean from Andy. They were sadly outbid by India, who not only are part of a continent, much like John's current home, but also is mostly English speaking due to outsourcing and something to do with a flag and pith helmets. In a statement today, one senile British person had this to say, "Its about time we send someone down to rekindle a little of that old Empire spirit, here here!"
Cupboard Inhabiting SkeletonsEdit
Here are some interesting facts not widely known about Mr. Zaltzman:
- Andy is in fact Jewish.
- Andy sometimes wears shoes and sometimes he doesn't.
- Dogs fear and run from Andy.
- Andy fries his bacon in the tears of Ukranian kittens, as he believes the bacon becomes kosher, and the kittens become happy.
- Andy Zaltzman resigned from The Bugle in late 2010. In a section cut from the final episode, John Oliver sang a medley of hits by soul legend Dusty Springfield. He then asked Zaltaur to get him a record contact. When he refused, Oliver replied, "I thought YOUR PEOPLE were good at that?" The Z Unit flounced out of the studio in foolds of tears wielding "that spinny-top thing", and he was replaced by guest star Sam Rockwell for the duration of the recording. However, Rockwell bored Oliver and Chris the Producer (who we all love dearly) with his anecdote about sharing a Kendal mint cake with Zooey Deschanel on the set of 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy', and he was thrown into the soundproof safe. Zaltinio retured the following week with his pun levels fully optimised. Rockwell has been out of showbiz ever since, with Mr Zalty Walty Doo Daa telling Buglers he had signed a two-year deal with Scottish Premier League football team St. Mirren. However, Rockwell's contract was terminated six weeks later after he fell out with club legend and tenacious midfielder Hugh Murray, who said he preferred Martin Freeman in that film to be brutally honest.
- Andy is infact an descendant of Florence Nightingale, making his lustings over her all the more freakishly perverted yet somehow this makes his previous comments about her all the more arousing. Oh Yeah
- American singer-songwriter Ben Folds recently stated that his song 'Effington' (from 2008's 'Way To Normal') was inspired by Andy's book. He said he "picked up the book for a... cent on Amazon.com", and he felt the book "was so full of bullshit wordplays, a song written around a pun on a funny townname would be original in comparison." Zaltzman later paraphrased Folds' tune 'Bitch Went Nuts' when he "called him a c**t."
- Andy spent some time as a Private Eye from the 1920's, but is only able to penetrate the psychological barriers he unconsciously placed around those memories, when he attempts to speak with an American accent.
- Andy is famed for his brief spell in Hollyoaks where he played Resident Rent Boy Isaac
- Andy started life as an unused character from Little Britain series 3, to be played by Matt Lucas.
- After being falsely identified as ferret smuggler in 1997, the FBI since has kept tabs on Zaltzman. Andy stubbornly refuses to acknowledge that FBI doesn't stand for "Former Backgammon Instigator," so no real harm done
- Andy has been unable to shake the rumours the he is fact Lord Lucan.
- Andy recently made a popular BBC documentary about sufferers of punitis
- Andy is one of the most successful harvesters of John Oliver, and has earned almost 3£ in his almost four centuries doing so.
- Andy has recently seen fit to make a fan page on Facebook. As of this writing he has 32 "fans". No one knows if these people genuinely admire the Krusty the Clown look-alike, or are just trying to pick up dates.
- Andy spent a gap year from university in a Philip Roth novel.
- Andy is standing behind you, no don't look, you'll startle him.
- Andy's hair was once used as a special effect in an early episode of Dr Who.
- Andy has more money than Queen, Prince, the Queen and the Prince of Wales combined but can't remember under which of his many mattresses he hid it.
- On May 20th 2009 , Andy was killed in a Nuclear blast while trying to destroy a asteroid just outside the earths atmosphere after his sucess he was ignored and replaced with Bruce Willis.
- 13 arrests, no convictions. Its the second part that counts.
- Andy Zaltzman once had a successful career as a hair salesman, selling his own growth.
- Andy Zaltzman is a Communist.
- Andy was created by mating five political activists with five clowns then after birth only the one that could talk the most bullshit got to live. As a child he was encouraged to be political when his adoptive parents said "do you want food;" when he replied "yes" they said "not until you finish your thousand word essay on economic crisis."
- Andy's a PC & Windows 7 was his idea.
- Upon reading the above skeleton, Steve Jobs called for Andy to be immediately detained in a federal "Punitentiary", a corrections facility which treats chronic Pun-Sufferers with a latent, nearing lethal Pun-Fun starvation schedule.
- Andy's pubic hairs are used to make special, soft, downy underwear for George W. Bush.
- Andy was secretly Muammar Gaddafi's busty Ukrainian nurse.
- Andy can be magically summoned or dismissed by speaking the phrase "pif paf poof" but only within the confines of blue water shopping centre
- Andys former girlfriends include: Florence Nightingale, the Queen and Crisp-Moss Carol. He values his first and current wife at £38 a day.
- In 1990 Andy lent his likeness to Darren Walsh for his new series of shorts "Angry Kid". Originally slated to voice Angry Kid, Andy was later dropped due to his insistence on deviating from the script (often to make jokes about Thatcher, Major and H.W. Bush and later Clinton and the Y2K bug) and after nearly 9 years of setbacks Darren decided to voice him himself. In a 2009 interview Walsh noted Zaltzman as being "...a time wasting c**t" and said that he would rather kill his own dog with his bare hands than work with him again. Andy later sued Darren for slander and for failing to pay him the £25 he was owed for his 8 years of work, Walsh then counter sued Zaltzman over the estimated £3,500 he claims he lost due to time wasted on Zaltzman's part. The cases were both settled out of court in November 2011 and Walsh has not been seen since.
In a testament to Mr. Zaltzman, much of this article has been stolen from Wookiepedia, and the rest is a combination of fantastical assumption and lies.
Fuck you Chris